A glimpse into my depth, thoughts, and feelings.

Thoughts on the death of Osama bin Laden

2011-05-02T20:24:00.002-04:00

I watched along with millions of other Americans, the news that Osama bin Laden has been killed. I find myself in shock that our nation is at all in joyous triumph regarding such news. So yes, maybe Osama was a bad man, orchestrated the attack on our country we call 911, and been in hiding for all of these years undetected. My questions are these: What exactly do you feel this supposed death has accomplished? Do we as a country believe the news we see? Do you believe that this death will now cease the plan that he may have had for our country in our future? Do you really believe that, if he is in fact dead, that he wasn't prepared for such an event, if it took place in his future? Do you believe that this death isn't fueling the fire within his followers to bring even more tragedy to our country with the amount of loyalty they had to this man and their country, AGAINST our country, to where they would choose to by martyrs for their country, as they did once before? I have the hardest time trying to figure out that if this man, who has caused so much tragedy in our country, was found, why it is we didn't bring his behind over here to force him and forward to our country the opportunity to pry this man for information to find out what may be in store, or who else may be in association with his plan that may have already infiltrated our country, as they did once before? Did we kill this man for lack of exposure, that it's possible that someone amongst us as a fellow American could have been in cahoots with Osama and to kill him was a better idea then him snitching? Why was he given death when men and women all across our country are held for trials for murdering of innocent people DAILY, but this man has to answer to no one because we didn't even make that an option? We didn't even give this man the option to say "I tell you nothing". We just killed the man without any scrutiny, punishment for what we have endured as a country with his supposed orders, or exposure? Do we as a country not believe that any information that this "terrorist" honcho may have had, whether good or bad, could have shed some light on the travesty we call 911 for all the people who fell victim of losing their lives or the family members who lost loved ones? That the victims would have maybe loved to have for their own personal reasons such information. #1: It seriously amazes me that it took us this long to find this man; #2: I am baffled at the fact he was given an easy way out when we don't even do the same for our fellow Americans; #3: Can you imagine how great some families/individuals would feel if the one's they accused of crimes against them, were immediately put to death without a single peep as to why, whether it be lie or not? I just can't wrap my head around how this supposed death is a come-up on our part as a nation. This also falls into my theory of fighting. 'MY THEORY: Almost every person has AT LEAST one "ride or die" person in their life, that if something came along to threaten the health or life of their person, that they wouldn't do everything in their power to make sure the offender/enemy would pay for what was done. A fight doesn't solve anything in my opinion. All that I see it doing is, once a fight happens, no matter who gets beat down the worst, you have the friends/family that will come to their aid to find resolution or revenge on the offender and in most cases, such comes in a multitude of animosity and anger. Fighting is a domino effect to cause more fighting and hatred.' So with that theory we have "killed Osama bin Laden", we have now thoroughly pissed off his followers, who are I'm sure, already filled with animosity toward our country. We stay overseas fighting this "war on terror" that is STILL going on and killing the Americans that continue to be sent over there, to accomplish who knows what, because we're going over there killing husband, wives, & children. Why is it their country isn't allowed to have animosity towards our country and act? They send a few people over here and kill many of our people but then we send multitudes of armed forces over there for YEARS on end doing this on a regular basis. I think they deserve to be a bit angry with our country. If roles were switched, we sure the hell would be. Does anybody else out there think that our eyes are being covered from certain truths that the leaders, we call government, don't really desire for us to know? It doesn't matter if you agree with my opinion or not but have you ever sat back and thought in different angles of this situation and not just in the way that our government and the media would prefer you to think? I don't quite care who this might offend because I have my opinion and I'm entitled to it. There are just so many questions that arise when I heard this news and quite honestly it scares me to think of what such action on our country may have set us up for in our future.

The thief disguised as a friend

2011-04-08T17:47:00.000-04:00

Had a situation arise about a month ago, where money was stolen out of my purse behind my back, in MY house. When the incident occurred I found myself questioning my surroundings and eliminating suspects in the vicinity that night with my own method. The one person I suspected ultimately, because of the unique circumstances of where my money was located, I came to and straight out asked about it after days of brewing on it. When confronted I believe she was lying because she couldn't look me in my eyes and then quoted "I would never steal from you, Berachah." Though I still didn't believe her, I let the subject go and left it be for the time being because I KNOW, in time truth will always be revealed. Subsequent to this incident I found one day that my GPS, Ipod Shuffle (with my name engraved ON it), and movies were also stolen from me in my absence in the house. Upon my findings I was filled with fury. My heart was telling me what I felt I already knew and after further investigation, it was discovered that my roommate/good friend was the culprit, the thief I despised, the dishonest person in my life. After confronting her I later got my GPS and SOME of my movies returned. She still is claiming she didn't take the money or the Ipod but there is no coincidence that the Ipod came up missing at the same time as my GPS (which she couldn't pawn because it was password protected). There is no coincidence that she was the main suspect in the house the night my money was stolen. She can claim what she wants but I know better than that. I'm not a fool in smart shoes. Needless to say when confronting her she kept saying sorry but the words "I'm sorry" followed by actions of stealing from me when I've basically been your support for the past year is not acceptable or sincere in my opinion. Any true friend of mine knows that I'm one of the most helpful and generous people and if I have the means to help you out, within reasonable bounds, that I will upon your asking me nicely. There is no excuse for one to find themselves stealing from me. I in NO way will tolerate or excuse it for ANY reason! It's selfish and always gonna come back to ya. She and I are no longer friends because no matter the reason for her actions, no friend of mine would steal from me. I don't care if you were high as the furthest star in the sky off of whatever........that was YOUR choice to do, not mine. I'm still very angry about all of this and hurt by it but I figure another lesson learned. Once again I reached out my helping hand and once again I was burned for no good reason. The only satisfaction I get when burned is knowing that karma exempts no one from its wrath. He who steals will be stolen from. He who deceives will be deceived. He who lies with be lied to. He who disregards the love of a friend, will have a hard time finding love with another. I'm still on the look out for my Ipod. It is a little, white Ipod shuffle, with white earphones, and has my name "Berachah" engraved on it in gray because it was a gift. Any information about its whereabouts will be held in confidence and much appreciated. Moral of this blog: Be careful who you trust and listen to the friends around you trying to warn you.

The new job

2011-04-04T18:33:00.001-04:00

Well so far so good on the job front. I started working on February 21, 2011 and love it thus far. The people I encounter on a day to day basis at work are awesome. Still yet to find someone mean and hope I don't. lol Great group of people to be such a large company. I'm learning an insane amount EVERY day but getting nothing but great feedback in regards to my work, so that is encouragement that I needed, with this new occupation. My goal with every job that I've had in my life it to make myself an asset to the company employing me. For me that is the wise thing to do. That a ways, if something were to happen with me losing my job, there is no negative thing they can say about me and the company losing me will feel the burn when I leave because I know I bring greatness to the table of occupation. I feel there is a large amount of expectation with this job and I'm doin' my best not to let the people counting on me down. I believe I'm doin' well. It is a humbling experience talking with patients day to day. Sometimes I'll find myself tired or moody and then I'll receive a phone call from a patient calling about their bill and telling me their story, and often times I find myself breaking down, feeling nothing but sympathy, adding to my special patient prayer list, and reminding myself how grateful I am and should remain for the health I do have. It could be gone in a second. This job is a blessing to me in many ways.

Romance's Sensitivity

2011-02-16T15:10:00.002-05:00

Around July last year I found myself in a situation with a friend of mine. Even though no "terms or limitations" were set out, I didn't plan on feelings or really anything coming of it, I was just going with the flow. I knew I had a great time with this man and just hoped for more good times to come. After more time had passed I found myself really liking this person and that having feelings for this man. I didn't plan it but I realize that as much as I've felt in my past that you can put a guard up or maybe even a time limit or block up on your feelings that this time I had no control. I was feeling and wanting more than just a friendship and it was totally throwing me off. We spent a lot of time in 2010 together and so many new experiences and priceless, good times. Even though I think in the end his feelings didn't flow like mine or get to where mine did grow, I know he cared about me, made me smile, and was a positive in my life, and I don't regret any of it because I shared so many good times and I believe it had a purpose. I found myself questioning the depth of my feelings for another person who I've found myself falling for over the years. There are no words that can express the way I feel but I believe he knew/knows and that is all that matters. Romance's sensitivity will take you on a journey sometimes that you will find refreshing and surprising. I'm glad we can still be friends through it all and my favorite quote between he and I through it all....."you can't quit me!". LOL *inside joke*

Sanity amongst hardships....

2011-02-16T14:44:00.003-05:00

I had hoped that 2011 was going to be a much better year than 2010 but it has been REALLY hard to see that so far. I've received disconnect notices, been broker than I've ever been, jobless, more dependant than I've ever felt or needed, and more stressed and discouraged than I've ever been. A lot of things in my life have taken a turn that have been unexpected and very unpredictable. I'm finding out a LOT about myself and a lot about the "friends" in my life that are here. It's a harsh reality when you find yourself somewhat lost in a world of people, places, and things that you found secure and stable before. It's very true that you will find out who the true people in your life are when you are at your worst. I am unfortunately finding that out more and more each day and to tell ya the truth......the reality isn't always rainbows and sunny skies. The irony is that some of the people that I didn't ever expect to be people I would lean on, trust, be close to, etc. are the people that I hold dear to me. They have been and remain a blessing in my life and I thank God for them regularly. They have been part of the reason I have been able to maintain my sanity through all the stress and hardships and though I tell them I appreciate them, I don't think they really understand how grateful I am for them in my life.

I have implemented a NO TOLERANCE and FOLLOW THROUGH policy starting this year. I know you should have this sort of policy in place throughout the course of your life but I've not been as serious about it as I should have been in the past. This time I am not playin' around and I believe people are starting to get the gist.

I received a job offer last Friday and I had to go for my health assessment and drug test this morning. I passed with flying colors and I was asked to start working on Monday, February 21. I walked out of the hospital with a smile and joy on my face, like I just won a million dollars. I've been waiting and praying for this day for the past month and a half and God finally blessed me with the opportunity. I will be in a COMPLETELY different occupation than I'm used to but if I have found nothing else about myself over the years, it is that I am a great adapter and learner so there is nothing to great that I cannot accomplish it and do it to the best of what I am expected. I will be working at Jewish Hospital and St. Mary's Healthcare in Louisville making a little more than I was making, so I am grateful for that because I thought I would have to take a pay cut. It appears that I will be working with a great group of people based on my impressions I gathered through the two interview step process. I am excited beyond belief and will be celebrating my butt off these next few days in light of my awesome news! lol A lot of things are going to be changing and I'm excited about the change. Change is good.........most of the time!!!

Life's journey in 2010

2011-01-07T12:48:00.000-05:00

So 2010 was probably my toughest year yet, in my 28 years. It's almost hard to explain everything I went through but I'm going to attempt to break it down a bit. In May, I parted ways with a close friend, which I had never had to really deal with the way that it ended. I found myself questioning a lot of things and people around me off the back of it, just because of the way it all went down. A lot of people that knew this particular friendship were somewhat dumbfounded and anticipated it to be just a spat and temporary rather than what it actually became, permament. There was an overwhelming amount of disprespect and demeaning of character that this person dished out over something that I found (and still find) so petty, when it was all said and done, I believe I'm better off without this person. I stand by the fact that my life is not to be dictated by any friend of mine and will stand firm on this idea until the day that I lay it to rest. It's amazing the thoughts and feelings that will come out when someone is mad at you. True colors were shown like I had never seen 'em and I'm sure glad they eventually came to light, even if through this unfortunate way because life's already full of trials and tribulations, that there should be no room made for unnecessary pettiness, fakeness, and ungenuine-like people calling themselves "friends" to come make it any harder. To date, me and this person are no longer friends and as far as I'm concerned, I'm much better off and not regretting. I didn't anticipate her to be a "season" in my life but apparently God had a different plan for that friendship. I believe everything happens for a reason. If you aren't lifting me up, then I gotta remove you from my scene.

I found out in October that I was going to be losing my job with the company I had been working with for 6 years and the attorney I had been working with for 7 years. It was much to my surprise and definitely not the best news. I procrastinated too much in the following 3 months in finding a new job and was rather discouraged at the amount of others who were also finding themselves in the same unfortunate predicament as myself. I knew with as much qualification and experience that I had, that finding a new job shouldn't be hard, but at the same time I wasn't seeing too many opportunities that were on the pay level that I was preferring. Plus I was having to find a different type of occupation and didn't have a clue what I wanted to do. I had been working at a real estate title company for 7 years and loved it. I had been informed by many sources that the real estate market wasn't going to show any signs of improvement, from its already poor state, for another 2-3 years and so trying to find a job within the same field wasn't ideal or stable in my opinion. I was kind of excited about the "vacation" of having a job initially, but after those bills started rolling in, disconnect notices started appearing, broke becoming a serious reality, and unemployment taking a LONG time to start paying......I wasn't so fond of the "vacation" I was somewhat excited to have originally. I now understand that having a job is something you shouldn't ever take advantage of because when it is gone, it is HARD.

I picked up a lot of bad habits in 2010 and through all the hardships I began to over consume in such habits. Though I don't like to admit it, I went through an extremely self destructive phase in my life and had a GREAT time doing it. I don't regret any of it because I enjoyed myself during this phase and had a lot of good times and met a lot of great people. All of it started to hit me kind of hard emotionally towards the fall of last year. I found myself breaking down when I was alone with myself one day. It was then that I decided at the close of 2010 that the phase needed to end and be left in 2010, and thus far I have accomplished such and am doin' rather well.

Been a loooooong time........

2011-01-01T12:00:00.000-05:00

It has indeed been a long while since I've blogged, but I have missed it tremendously and will be posting regularly again. Writing is very therapeutic for me so I believe I should pick it back up because my life has been quite interesting. Sooooo stay tuned and most of all, ENJOY!

Life is like a pool game.........

2010-06-11T13:08:00.000-04:00

I'm told too many times by men that I'm "complicated", "difficult", "too complex", or the funniest to me is "Ms. Theory". My rebuttal is that my complexity and my depth are beautiful, and it's a compliment. It pays to look at all the angles of a situation, kinda like a game of pool (I used this analogy last night with a feller).....you gotta look at all the angles to figure out which pocket is the best hit......'cause if you've looked at all angles, you'll rarely run into surprises, 'cause even if you happen to miss, you've already thought and considered the angle that actually came about, and there's no room for true disappointment........just a slight change in ya plan. I call all these definitions of others, the elements that make ME. Just don't call me "difficult" 'cause you can't keep up with my deep mind exercise......150TPM (thoughts per minute).

My birthday....

2010-05-10T16:02:00.004-04:00

Well Cinco de Mayo has now come and gone and I'm now officially 28. The time goes so insanely fast it's almost ridiculous when I start to think about it anymore. I had a wonderful birthday with people that I love and cherish, and events prior to and after that made it all the more special. I really wondered how it was going to turn out this year, as I've becomeq uite distant and hermit like over the past 6 months or so, but I was pleasantly surprised. It's so warm when you realize you haven't been forgotten. Thank you all for your sweet and kind words and thoughts. They sincerely meant the world to me!

Friendship Contingencies....

2010-05-03T15:00:00.000-04:00

So I've come across a situation in my life between a dear friend and myself. It's almost hard to summarize into words the whole situation, but here it goes. Friend was dating a dude (we'll call him "Feller") and grew fond of feller and developed feelings, etc., whom she's known longer than myself. Through dating Feller, I have also grown to know Feller through us all hanging out together, etc. Friend decides one day that she doesn't want me to communicate in ANY form or fashion with Feller for her own reasons. Keep in mind that I've also become associated/friends with some of Feller's friends through the course of about a year, and actually knew one of Feller's friends back before I even knew my Friend. So there is already rapport with one gentleman out of the Feller's click, that I have had prior to me and Friend's friendship. The reasons behind Friend not wanting any communication between me and feller, I do not understand nor agree with. Realizing that me and Friend are alike in so many ways, but are also very different in the way we think in regards to a lot of things as well, I'm keeping this in consideration. Friend is now retracting to another guy (we'll call him "Option A") and is basically with Option A. Friend is still requesting even though months have now passed that I not have ANY communication with Feller still. Also, keep in mind that we still communicate and hang with Feller's click, whom he usually is a part of. This especially confuses me because Friend doesn't really even communicate with Feller anymore because of the situation she has with Option A. The problem I have is Friend has now kind of put a contingency on our friendship that if communication persists between Feller and myself that she doesn't know how much she'll be around and that it makes her very angry. Also keep in mind that me and Feller NEVER hang out one on one, it is always a group of Feller and friends and usually another friend of mine (whom she doesn't want talking to Feller either). I told Friend in argument that her contingency isn't fair and I've also expressed that I feel like her request (more of a demand) makes me feel like she doesn't trust me. That is the ONLY logical reason I can see behind her not wanting two of her closest friends to basically ignore and dismiss Feller from our lives. I've been at a tug of war with this one because I truly do cherish my Friend's opinions, but when you tell me that you want me to in essence erase someone from my life, I don't 1) understand the thinking behind it; and 2) feel that it is unfair that you make me decide between my friendship with you or Feller. Understanding that the friendship between me and Feller is definitely not as close as the friendship between her and I, but whether she wants to recognize it or not, there is still a friendship that has developed over the past year. There is also a double standard as to the situation because Friend doesn't give one care in the world if we communicate with Option A. My opinion is that she knows I personally wouldn't fo real hang or communicate with Option A as a friend so it doesn't bother her if I have his phone number and communicate with him because she knows that I don't care to anyways. This is what I feel confirms that she doesn't have trust in me because that is a double standard. Why does this contingency only exist pertaining to Feller? I've talked to a few close friends of mine regarding this scenario that I knew wouldn't have a bias opinion and not a single one of 'em agreed that her contingency and demand was fair or reasonable. I'm at a crossroad in regards to what to feel, think, or do. All of this actually just pisses me off because I've never had any friend tell me who I can or can't talk to. I've never even allowed any boyfriend of mine to dictate who can and can't be in my life, so why would I allow anyone else, including friends, to tell me who I can and can't have in my life??? This is where I'm struggling with this. I would never step on this Friend's toes, so to speak, and it makes me even angrier that she would demand such a thing of me. She knows me VERY well and knows I'm not one to just dismiss anybody out of my life, unless there is good and sufficient reason that I find between me and a person not to allow them to be in my present or future. I've never let someone dictate that of me before and I never planned in my lifetime to allow someone to dictate that. I don't want something like this to come between this Friend and myself because I love her dearly, but at the same time, I don't know how you can call yourself a true friend of mine if you are telling me who and who I can't speak to. It doesn't matter to me how I met this person, how long I've known this person, or how close I am to this person. I don't believe any one friend should make you choose between friendships. I don't believe that any one friend should make you put each friendship on a scale and choose the friendship that's got more invested in it (which would weigh more in essence). And I sure as hell don't get how any friend can say she loves me but puts a contingency like this on the friendship which to me seems like she has NO trust in me at all. I'm truly at a loss as to what to do because one part of me wants to shun her demand because I feel it to be completely unfair and quite frankly stupid, but the other part of me doesn't want the friendship between she and I to dwindle away or for her to feel disrespected by me either. Well there it is........the summarized version........what to do what to do. Your two pennies on this would be much appreciated because I truly don't know what I'm supposed to feel, but all this makes me feel angry, frustrated, confused, rebellious, sad, puzzled, and most of all questioned.

Dear Love and Desire (Part II)....

2010-04-10T19:10:00.001-04:00

Dear Love and Desire,

I come to you again because I've become more and more confused since last Fall. I thought I had turned over a leaf and it appears that this leaf wasn't ready to be turned over despite my intentions. It's so hard to tell your heart to let someone go when your heart insists, that the person that has the key is still very much a part of your life. I've tried the "just friends" thing but I have a hard time believing that is possible when there are obvious feelings and emotions in it, whether both people want to speak on them or not. I have a hard time believing he and I are capable of having a strictly platonic friendship based on the feelings that do exist. There's way too much emotion invested in it. Why is it so hard to let go of this person in my life when he doesn't even like to admit or bring to light his true feelings for me? Why is it so hard to let go when he would rather disappear and become distant than to face me too often. Almost feels like he can't handle the truth of my heart either. I truly feel that he does in fact feel for me more deeply than I think he would even like to admit to himself, and I know that it is insanely hard for him to express the way he feels, but I sincerely don't believe I'm in denial about the way he feels. Do I let his hesitancy just be the end of it? Does he indeed feel for me the way I feel for him? Why is it so hard for me to come to reality with actions even though I feel the unspoken emotions are telling a completely different story? How do you tell your heart not to love? How do you tell your heart to let go? How do you convince your heart that even though you've not felt this way about someone in SO long and never in this way, that you need to let go? I hesitate when silence is in the room we both sit in to speak on the depth of my feelings for him. Maybe I hesitate because I'm scared my depth sincerely isn't the same depth he has for me, and then it would become rejection. I so much just want to say it, but I hesitate because I to am scared to give all my love, but maybe I need to say it so all truth or the "shadowed truth" can be revealed because if I'm not in his heart the way he is in mine, than I need to know. I need to move on and I need to let go. Please give me the courage to say it. Please give me the courage to be submissive to the spoken truth, whether it coincides with my heart or not.

Love,
ME

Price of Friendships

2010-03-01T17:14:00.005-05:00

Life is full of ups and downs. People come and people go. Trials and tribulations come about as often as a resolution or blessing does. Two of the most solid and stable things I find in my life are family and friends. I'm blessed beyond words to have both and I can't picture my life without either, nor do I ever want to. I know I don't always make the best decisions in life and I'm aware of that. I do like to believe that whatever decisions I DO make that my friends and family are here for me. I know every decision I make will not be acceptable and maybe not even tolerable in their minds but the one's that truly support me regardless of those decisions are the one's that are the true people in my life that I am blessed to have. I don't agree with every decision that all my friends and/or family make, but despite how I feel about those particular decisions I decide to BE THERE. I will ALWAYS let them know my two pennies regarding their decisions because I feel it is my duty as a loving/caring friend to give them my perspective on the situation and let them know that I care. Most times the two pennies you put out there aren't received happily or even wholeheartedly by the friend/family, but at least I speak my mind........at least they know I'm not just an outsider in their life standing by to watch them mess up so I can say "I told you so". I want to see them ALL succeed and to do it happily. I expect the same treatment when it comes to my decisions. I value my friends/family opinions and I am happy to know they care about me enough to speak on something whether good or bad even if I don't necessarily like what they may have to say about it. I'd also like to believe that I don't see myself EVER discarding one of them because of a decision that they have chosen to make that I do not agree with. Who am I to judge with the amount of poor decision making that I've had in my past and probably future? Moral of this blog is to remember those people dear to you and remember that even though they may be making or have made decisions that you may abhor, that they've probably been there for you through some of your not so great decisions as well. How much do you value your friendships and are they so easily discarded by a bad decision?

Enlightened by sweetness

2009-10-11T16:49:00.002-04:00

So I've been blessed to meet this gentleman in the past few weeks and everything about the progression and situation is enlightening, refreshing, hope filled, and just plain lovely. He exudes confidence, sweetness, gentleman characteristics, a loving spirit, and so many other wonderful attributes. He "gets me" and relates to my ways of thinking on SO many levels it's almost unreal. Though I'm typically skeptical........I feel a great potential between he and I........sounds crazy to me at times but he's inspired hope that there really are still good men out there and here he is on my door step. To be able to sit and converse on so many levels and ACTUALLY relate is a beautiful and rare thing it seems, but everything about just that fact right there makes me happy. He never ceases to make me smile. I'm allowing myself to open up to him more because he brings forth a level of comfort that is somewhat unfamiliar but easy to do. For once I feel like the word "relationship" is not so scary now......like it's possible that a "relationship" could be all the things it should be rather than thoughts that it could be......scary and/or overwhelming. So I'm going to continue on this path and see where this may go.

Remember to love YOU.

2009-08-03T20:30:00.002-04:00

It's amazing to me the CRAP that people tolerate in a relationship! Granted I've surely had my days where I have put up with some CRAP that I didn't need or want, but I've learned from that CRAP and I'm a better woman for it. In regards to whether or not I deserved the CRAP or not is a different subject. People will often tell you that you deserve better, and in 95% of cases I believe the same, BUT if you don't truly believe that and you are in a relationship and you continue to tolerate CRAP from your significant other even though time and time again they prove to you that they aren't going to change for you or anybody else then I almost believe if you stick with it and accept that from them, then you DO deserve what you are allowing your significant other to put you through. I know everybody won't agree with this nor do I care, but to me if you KEEP allowing someone to walk all over you, cheat on you, talk bad to you, put their hands on you inappropriately, etc. can you honestly say that YOU care about YOURSELF??? If we truly cared about ourselves then we wouldn't allow "bad" people to repeatedly do bad things to us. Gettin' mad and arguing about it is a waste of your time.......the paranoid feeling you get from the lack of trust that person has caused you is a waste of your time......that gut feeling you have when you see this and that and it leaves you with a nauseated feeling in the pit of your stomach is a waste of your time. Goin' through your significant others phone and e-mails to "catch" he/she is a waste of your time. If you really have gotten to THAT point with your significant other that you feel like you have to invade their privacy to "catch" them in an act of cheating, then your relationship is over anyways.......the likelyhood of you EVER trusting that person who has done you wrong is about zero. I'm one of the worst at workin' at something until I'm blue in the face, but dealing with those situations has made me realize the most important thing that I lost sight of...........ME. If someone is causing you emotional, mental, or physical harm, why stay? Do you really see yourself being with that person who causes this same CRAP over and over again for another 40-50 years??? Do you really think after all this time that he/she is goin' to step up to the plate and GROW THE HELL UP??? The likelyhood of that is slim to none I've found in my experiences until they are gosh darn ready to do so.........IF ever. Do yourself a favor and remember what should be your #1 priority...........YOU. You can love that "bad" person from a distance, but if you continue to love that person up close and personal and allow them to keep draggin' you through unhappiness and misery then you've lost sight of YOU and what you truly deserve.........HAPPINESS, SUCCESS, and GENUINE LOVE. Remember to love YOU always!

Back to reality.....bye bye Florida

2009-06-21T23:08:00.003-04:00

So I got back from vacation in beautiful Cape Canaveral, Cocoa Beach, and Orlando, FL yesternight. Me, Raindrop, and Cuz Cuz set out on the 14 hour long drive on Friday, June 12 and came back on Saturday, June 20. It was a LONG vacation and it was awesome! It was almost too long though because none of us wanted to leave. Like if I didn't have a kiddo and we all didn't have financial responsibilities, and things of that nature, I believe we would have all just said screw it and made Florida our new residence. lol Seriously though I would consider a move to beautiful Florida seriously........I really loved it and though I've been before I never really was like "I could move here" type stuff.........I really felt it this time. I believe I'm destined to live on the South Eastern coast somewhere eventually anyways so what better of a place then Florida. lol Me and the gals are definitely plannin' on makin' this an annual trip for those of us that don't move down there before then. lol We had our fun, relaxation, and sun bathing and I'm ready to go back.

Plus on a MAKE ME SMILE BIG note.........I met this wonderful man down there named Will and golly it is totally funny how things work out. We ended up meeting at this one spot and the timing was just right. He is incredibly sweet........he is a total gentleman in every sense of the definition..........he's gorgeous.......and compatibility is not even in question at the moment........I'm missin' him already. We actually got to spend a lot of time together while I was down there so I look forward to our next visit soon. Wouldn't that be funny if I met the man of my dreams in Florida. I'm not at all opposing to the idea but we'll see what God has to say about that one. Till then I'mma keep smilin' and go with the flow as I usually do.

I believe once I get into work tomorrow I will find reality sitting on my desk looking at me. lol So back to reality I am, and looking forward to the next get away from here trip. I believe ATL will be getting a visit next month for a weekend at least.

The confusion of feelings

2009-06-05T15:40:00.005-04:00

So maybe I wear my heart and emotions on my sleeve.........so I'm told.........how do I refrain from doing so? Does that result in creating the notion that I'm meant to be put through MORE trials and tribulations than the average person? This past two weeks have been filled with so much unwanted stress, drama, and uneasy emotions.

When people say kindness can be seen as a sign of weakness...........I think my kindness is a MAJOR weakness for me. How horrible is that to say.........it's messed up I know. I try to be so considerate of another's feelings and in turn I am usually the one having to face unacceptable behaviour coming from the other person. Even with all the walls I have up, people still find a way to try and knock me down. My strength is tested and tested and tested on a regular basis. Can you people just choose to test my strength every blue moon rather than so daggon often. I am a STRONG woman! You will NOT BREAK ME!

I'm still at a loss in regards to a situation in my life, and quite honestly I am not havin' the easiest time understanding the facts being placed in my path of thoughts. It's like they're being thrown at me at a speed of 100 MPH........causing me to have no time to prepare myself for the impact. Because this person is confused about thoughts and feelings, I have to suffer. My feelings will not come second to anyone else's in this situation........it's just NOT RIGHT! What kind of bullish is that anyways?! I KNOW I don't deserve this kind of foolishness, so until you decide to get it together and figure out what the heck you are REALLY feeling...........leave me be please.

You would think with all the experience I have in heartache and messed up situations that I would have mastered the control over the uneasy emotions that are a direct result of these situations. I know I'm supposed to grow with each chapter in my life, but I often feel like I'm having to learn over and over again the same lessons. I KNOW I'm learning from the past situations that make me act and feel the way I do, but why does my book of life have so many similar chapters? Even when I analyze and evaluate the heck out of someone or something in my life, someone still seems to find a way to hit me with an uncomfortable surprise out of left field.

I often times tell other people to just "brush it off" and remember to smile. Most definitely easier said than done.

Why I don't watch the news

2009-05-15T00:12:00.003-04:00

I go through my phases of watchin' the local news...........mainly for sports and weather, but I'll tell you why. It seems like every time I pick up the routine of watching it in my daily life, it just makes me sad or angry. I mean seriously.........it feels like about 95% of what is reported is HORRIBLE. Either somebody is gettin' shot, blown up, robbed, murdered, actin' stupid, gettin' laid off, battering their spouse or kid(s), teachers havin' affairs with their student(s), kids carryin' guns and knives to school, vehicles crashing, or SOMETHIN' horrible and/or terrifying. Now why the heck do I want to spend 30 minutes to an hour of my precious life watching unfortunate and horrible news..........guess what I DON'T. Though sometimes somebody will be talkin' about a not so horrible thing and I'll be like "what are you talkin' about?" and they'll say, "don't you watch the news?" and I'll say, "no, I stopped watchin' it because it's always horrible news" and they'll be like "oh". I'm not the only one that notices this pattern of negativity. Now I realize the world is on a downward hill spiral into negativity over the years, but is it really THAT bad that these reporters find 95% more bad than good things to report? Is it possible that there are more positive things taking place around here and the reporters only report the dirt because maybe it makes the ratings go up? Is it possible that there is really not that much good going on and we're just doomed to hear more and more bad things as the years progress? I realize being informed is a good thing, but I feel like every time I watch the news it is a rerun technically because I've seen this crap before but it's just with different people in it this time. It's horrible that the reruns don't come as a surprise anymore. I remember when I was younger and I would watch the news and would literally have my hand over my mouth in shock to hear some of the things that would be reported on the news, but now it's like I've heard it all before.........like it's totally expected. I'm just sick of hearing and watching the bad news. If I want to watch bad crap like that I'll go to the theatre or rent a movie to watch something that I know at the end of it isn't reality..........I'll be comforted that it was just a made up story.........not reminded that the reality around me is HORRIBLE and mostly TERRIFYING. What kind of news are you making in your daily life?

The way he makes me feel.

2009-04-21T21:15:00.005-04:00

The way he makes me feel is so hard to capture with words, but I shall briefly paint a picture to help you understand. When he enters the room his presence leaves a beautiful feeling in my soul. The tone of his voice soothes me each time he speaks. The way he stares into my eyes when we converse. The way his soft skin feels with each touch. The goosebumps I get as his breath caress' my skin when he's close to me with each breath he takes. The way his natural fragrance makes my senses go wild. He holds me tight with his strong arms and body and leaves me feeling the most secure and comforted each time we're together. The way he sends a tingle through my body when he kisses my forehead in such an endearing way. The way he gently caress' my soft skin with his strong hands keeps me yearning for more. The way he knows each and every crevice of my body like it was meant to be his forever. The way he breathes with calm relief as I caress his body gently with my soft hands. The way I feel so relaxed when stroking and massaging his head with my fingertips. The way he holds me when intimacy is in the air. The way his soft lips feel up against my soft lips........like I could kiss him all day long. This is just a brief description of the way he makes me feel because no words are capable of fully describing this feeling.

Don't hate the messenger!

2009-03-13T01:03:00.002-04:00

First off let me start off by saying that if you don't do triflin' things then people wouldn't have a reason to be suspicious about you and/or make stories up about you that it is possible other people COULD believe...........refer back to my "what are you notorious for?" blog for further clarification. Secondly, it baffles me that certain people always feel the need to get mad at the messenger.......hate the messenger.......call the messenger a "hater"........when their DIRTY business gets put out on front street.......when their lies are unveiled.......when their poor decisions affect the people they SUPPOSEDLY care about. I've said time and time again that the grape vine is in constant motion. Staying OUT of the grape vine is about an impossible task. It's the things that you do that go into the grape vine.........negative or positive......but it is the negative that typically moves through the grape vine quicker. The more people you know the more grape vine ya get. If I hear some horrible information or news that has to do with you doin' a FRIEND OF MINE dirty......then I'mma be the first to absorb the information.......take careful notes......question my source(s).........question the information, and if it sounds in or out of character of the offender. If I feel it SEEMS to be valid based on that process of thinking then yeah I'm gonna tell my friend. I don't LIKE to be provided with horrible information about something that could affect my friend(s). Often times I can't stand it actually because then I've got to go through this thought process........when and how I'm gonna tell my friend.......and yes.......I'm gonna tell my friend, as I would expect he or she to do the same for me if the roles were reversed. Who am I to deny my friend information that could possibly have an adverse effect on their life? I know the number one question I always get is "who told you?" and the number one thing people hate to hear from me when I provide information is "I don't reveal my sources." I don't reveal my sources because I check my sources and it doesn't matter who the information comes from in my opinion.........if you did the dirt.......YOU DID THE DIRT......it then becomes your fault that you had a leak in your pool and your dirt is now out for those to hear about. Do you people honestly think that I like to hear messed up crap that you are doin' to my friend? Would you hold it in if it was YOUR friend? DOUBT IT! I hate that their is even the possibility of people doin' my friend(s) wrong but it is what it is. I'm a REAL FRIEND so EXPECT if I hear some jacked up stuff you've done and I feel it's valid then I'm gonna be a "hater" and I'm gonna disclose "it could or could not be valid information, but I thought you should know" after every time........it is then my friends turn to do as they please with the situation/information. I DON'T BENEFIT from hearing your dirty business! It is actually a burden to me because I have to face my friend(s) to tell them crappy news that more than likely is gonna hurt them in some way. So you can call me a "hater" ALL DAY LONG if it makes YOU feel better about your dirty business, but know that I don't benefit from it, I don't like it, and I don't do it for selfish reasons......I do it to protect the people I care about and love and that's it. You can't hate the messenger for hearing the information! You either hate yourself for doing the dirty business OR you hate the person that fabricated the story that made it into the grape vine for me to hear because I sure as hell am not the one fabricatin' stories just so I can hate on you.......be real......I have much more important things to do and problems of my own to deal with. GROW UP!!!!!!!!!! For the record.......I commend and appreciate those unselfish and genuine messengers that relay information to protect ones they care about and love. PROPS TO THE LEGITIMATE "HATERS"!

Hard feeling safe in my home now.....

2009-03-10T22:01:00.000-04:00

So on Friday night I went about having a normal night as I usually do. While I was away from my home, leaving it locked and secured as usual, it was broken into. The individual(s) who broke in attempted to come in through a window but being unsuccessful, because of it being securely locked, they decided to use excessive force and kick through my front door that had both a deadbolt lock and lock on the knob. When I got home around 4:45 AM I walked in the house as usual and once I walked into my livingroom......my heart fell to the floor and I was instantly hit with shock and fear of the realization that my home, which to me is my safe haven, had been invaded by someone..........my privacy and security compromised. Once fear had been forced on me I proceeded to the kitchen and grabbed the sharpest and biggest knife I owned and called a friend to stay on the phone with me as I walked around shaking trying to make sure the perpetrator was not still in my home. As I'm walking around scared out of my mind, I observe that the individual(s) proceeded to go through my personal items throughout my home. Still unsure of what they were looking for exactly because after thorough checking I found that out of all the valuable items they could have taken, all they stole were a few FAKE rings out of my jewelry box. I called for a police officer to come out and check the house and I made a report of my findings. The officer informed me that a burglary had also been committed at another home that same night just one street over from mine. After the officer came and went I was still filled with so much fear. I slept gripping that knife in my hand as I tried to sleep that night. I have since slept with that knife close enough to me just in case. I cannot explain in words how scared I was and still am........it's horrifying to think that even though I prepare my home to be as secure as possible, that my safety, security, and privacy can still be violated. It is a horrible feeling........almost makes you feel like no matter what you do to secure your safe haven that a thief will make his way into your home somehow if he or she so decides. I have slept in fear since then and I can only pray that it doesn't happen again. I was thankful that the perpetrator only stole the few things of no value, and that me and my son were not home at the time it happened. I'm calling this week about getting an alarm system placed in my home in hopes that it will further secure my safe haven and keep future situations from arising.

Have to OR Choose to?

2009-03-03T23:29:00.000-05:00

I don't want or deserve a man that feels he HAS to do everything in his power to make me happy, but a man that wants to CHOOSE to do everything in his power to make me happy. Know this........I refuse to settle for anything less than a MAN that chooses.

What are you notorious for?

2009-03-03T13:17:00.000-05:00

Question of the day: What are you notorious for? What are things in your life that people around you can always seem to predict you will end up doing because you have made yourself known for it? Are the things you are notorious for doing, good or bad? Most all of us are notorious for at least one thing. I ended up finding out some unfortunate information about two "friends" of mine of something done behind my back. As I was naturally pissed off about it........the unfortunate thing is that even though it was most definitely triflin' ......I didn't put it past one of them based on what I had heard one of the "friends" was notorious for doing and the vibe I felt in general. After I spoke my peace about the situation to both of them I decided to take a look at myself in regards to what I'm notorious for doing and I must say I think, generally speakin', I am not notorious for bad things and hope nobody feels that I am. I know that nobody is perfect but if you are notorious for doin' bad things to people that you "care about" and feel the need to claim "nobody's perfect" each time you wrong somebody, then you may want to take a look at yourself inside because even though I agree that nobody's perfect, I don't ever want to repeatedly hurt people that I care about and love and always feel like I can play the "nobody's perfect" card because you can only wrong someone in the same way so many times before they just stop believin' in you and trustin' that you won't continue doin' them wrong. Moral of this blog is take a look at yourself and REALLY think about it and try to figure out what you are notorious for, and ask yourself ......are the thing(s) you are notorious for tend to hurt others around you? If you are notorious for hurting the ones you "love" or "care" about in whatever way it may be, don't you think that changing that bad habit would be beneficial to you and the relationships/friendships in your life?

To forgive........

2009-01-27T00:35:00.004-05:00

Forgive is a verb defined as ceasing to hold resentment against one.............TO FORGIVE. Forgiveness is a noun defined as the act of forgiving.............OFFERING MY FORGIVENESS. Forgiving is an adjective defined as allowing room for error or weakness and/or willing or able to forgive........THE FORGIVING HEART. To forgive is so POWERFUL, but can only be done by way of the genuine, forgiving heart. You can't halfway forgive someone..........you can't temporarily forgive someone...........you can't pretend like you have forgiven someone........you can't move forward from things of the past without a forgiving heart and a readiness to offer forgiveness to those who have hurt you, no matter how deep the pain. It is most definitely easier to hold a grudge against someone then it is to forgive someone. As I mature more and more each day I realize the true significance of forgiving someone that has wronged me. I have had to come to terms with a lot of hurtful situations in my life and forgiving those who imposed the pain in my heart is NOT an easy task. In fact to truly forgive someone is one of the hardest things I have encountered and had to do in my life. I believe that people harbor pain and reject the thought of forgiveness because they feel once you forgive someone that you have to then bounce back and continue on the venture with that person. I personally don't believe that you have to maintain any kind of friendship/relationship/association after you truly forgive a person that has wronged you. There are people in my past that I had to forgive that probably didn't even know I was holding a grudge years later, and even though I feel they should have KNOWN by their actions why I held a grudge and why it was insanely hard for me to come to that place to forgive them..........it was necessary for me to grow that much more and bury that pain of the past. I was only allowing a burden to sit heavy on my chest by harboring that pain and not choosing to forgive the offender. I don't need any unnecessary burdens through this long journey of life. And maybe you don't believe that person that has wronged you deserves forgiveness from you, but be real...........nobody is perfect and the more ready you are to forgive, the more ready the person or people in your past and future will be ready to forgive you for any pain you may cause or have already caused. I still do not believe we as humans have the ability mentally or emotionally to forget, once we have forgiven the offender, but if you can come to the place to forgive those who have hurt you.........you will feel the release of the weight of a burden off your chest that will be so rejuvenating..................it will cause you to become that much more of a woman or man because you truly have to STEP UP to forgive. So remember..........You can't expect forgiveness if you are never willing to forgive yourself and/or others around you.

Stone Cold Heart

2009-01-02T05:48:00.001-05:00

You tell me that you have a stone cold heart......do you not realize that if you don't eventually open it up that you might miss out on your perfect part? I'm not saying that God intended me to be your perfect part BUT how could you ever know? I think you failed to remember that when we first met that I to had a stone cold heart as well........I to had been through entirely too much pain of "love" struggles just as yourself and was so scared to really allow you into my life in that way........was unfortunate but refreshing that you could relate to me in regards to matters of the broken and protected heart. As time passed the chemistry we had was so overwhelming but priceless to me.......I kept asking myself could he be the one? Did God place him in my life because he's the missing piece of my puzzle? My skepticism kept me from really believing that you could really ever give into me and sincerely care for me and not hurt me like all the others, but my mind and heart made me take a chance on you and allow myself to be vulnerable to the possibility and potential for a true love. You truly made me happy........I've never had so many butterflies in my stomach throughout. I gave into my emotions eventually and opened my heart to you and for what? Can you honestly sit there and tell me that you never felt for me.........that your heart was so stone cold that you never saw anything between you and I.........that after all this time, you invested NO emotions or feelings into me..........were my feelings for you a waste of more of my precious and already broken heart??? You say that you were starting to see me as just a FRIEND........did you really not notice that I wasn't feeling that same way......that hadn't even crossed my mind once that it would ever turn into JUST a friendship......I don't treat and act with "friends" as I always have with you and I would hope that you don't act with just "friends" as you did with me. Time and time again I let you know how I genuinely felt.......you should have told me. I don't believe you recognize the depth of emotions I had for you. And yes if you would have told me three or four months ago that you weren't feelin' it then it still would have hurt me but gosh I honestly have put up a wall to so many other potentials because of what I saw in us. You were worth the wait to me......I was being more patient with you in hopes that you to would recognize that we had mad chemistry on so many levels.........how could there not be a chance that two broken hearts came together and handled each other with delicacy and care. I'm so upset and I was tryin' to talk myself into angry mode to cover up the pain that I am feeling right now but to be honest I sincerely feel broken and cannot fight off these tears........I'm sad beyond words........I feel like another love story in my life had begun and now will become just another unfinished chapter in my life.......another disappointment........another reason why maybe I should stay away from any potential romance because this hurts too much to keep doin' it. Maybe I should go back to my stone cold heart.......back to remembering anytime romance between me and any man sparks that I should put it out with ice built up around my heart to keep me from these situations. Why am I so blind? I'm more upset with myself that I whole heartedly cared for you and sincerely thought that it wasn't just a one sided feeling. I know ultimately it is in God's hands and though tears are falling down my face, I believe that He will find someone to recognize the beautiful love that I have to offer. It just crushes me that it wasn't you.

Communication

2008-12-27T05:26:00.000-05:00

Out of all days for drama.......today is the day by BD (Baby's Daddy) decides to bring me that as a gift. I managed to get 6 months worth of pent up frustration, aggravation, anger, sadness, and raw emotions regarding my situation with him out today. He fails to realize that COMMUNICATION IS A KEY in ALL relationships. Relationships being defined as friend to friend, mother to father, boyfriend to girlfriend, etc. He and I have a parenting relationship. I don't believe in telepathy and I sure don't have the ability to read anyone's mind including his. Me and my BD had a screamin' match for hours today and I am emotionally exhausted.........forced to reveal raw emotions and tears. I've been fightin' them back and covering them up with anger because it's SO much easier than bein' vulnerable to the situation tearin' my heart apart. I can't stress enough how important communication is between people. I know sometimes it can be hard to communicate certain things but if you deny ME communication then my mind is allowed to wonder off trying to figure out what is actually going on or what is actually being felt. I don't know how you feel unless you tell me how you feel. This was a time bomb waitin' to explode........it was inevitable. Just kills me because it could have ALL been avoided if he would have allowed communication to happen. SO FRUSTRATING! I am drained right now and hope that we had a breakthrough for our son's sake because I want him in DJ's life and I have never wanted to have THAT kind of relationship with my BD where we couldn't get a long. I'm going to put it in God's hands and hope that it gets worked out. This is me venting.....I know........I'm done.......life will move forward hoping for the best. So please remember with EVERY relationship you have in your life that it is imperative that you communicate because I promise, the other person CANNOT read your mind.

Precious Life

2008-12-17T22:15:00.003-05:00

Life is so very precious. It is too often that we take it for granted. It is too often that we take a breath and forget that it can be over in an instant and thank God for the next one that comes after it. Death is a true fear of mine for many reasons. Tears fall down my face thinkin' about any of my family or friends dying. I've never really lost someone to death that has been incredibly close to me and really don't want to find out how I would be emotionally. I've lost people that I knew and I've lost family that I wasn't really that close to or was too young to recognize the significance of the loss. Sometimes I dream or maybe just hear of someone else losing their life and my mind goes twisting into "what if" and it literally drives me to tears because I cannot fathom losing someone I love. Just seeing someone else mourn over someone they loved makes me emotional. Sometimes I wonder if God's plan for me to go will be sooner than later or will I be old and have the opportunity to be blessed with more family of my own.........will I get to see DJ get old and take the journey of life through school, first kisses, success, and have a family of his own. I never want to leave him lonely.........I love him SOOOO much.........words cannot even grasp the emotion behind my love for him. He is a true blessing to me and sometimes I don't always feel like I tell him that enough or show him enough but he truly is my heart. Losing him would kill my heart and I hope God's plan for him is to outlive me many many years. I do hope that whenever God makes my last breath that I leave a good memory.........leaving my family and friends with a blessing........leaving them with happiness to remember me by. I love my family and I hope if not anything else that they know that I love them with every feeling in my body, mind, and soul. When I leave this world I hope you all, family and friends, know that you are a blessing to me. You all and DJ are what keep me going and keep me grounded and I thank you all. Just remember that life is precious, so never forget to say I love you if you feel it, never forget to give a hug, never forget that the last thing you said to me or someone else could be the very last thing you ever say.

2008-12-15T13:55:00.002-05:00

I ran across this advice column and thought this information to be very helpful in some of my present dating situations and so I'm sharing it with you to JUST IN CASE you might benefit from reading it as I did.

How many times have you waited too long for a man to call and ask you out again after you had an amazing time together? He seemed truly interested, but then you never heard from him again. Why does this happen for so many women? And what does it mean about men?

Here are the 5 most common reasons why men don’t call back, even after a great date:

Reason #1: He’s Having Trouble Being Honest If you and a man hit it off, trade numbers, talk for a while or trade emails, but he never seems to make the initiative to actually see you – then something else is going on. Men often have a hard time sharing the truth about their feelings with women they’ve just met. Maybe he’s already seeing someone else. It’s fine to casually ask in a playful way, “I’m curious since you’re kinda cute -- are you dating anyone interesting right now?” Invite honesty from men and you’ll get it. If you wait and wonder, you’ll end up wasting your own time and energy.

Reason #2: He’s Just Looking For a Fling If a man really likes you, but he is more interested in a casual encounter and senses you’re not that kind of girl, he’ll move on -- partially out of respect for you (or his own selfish desires). In either case, the timing is off. Not calling you back was his way of letting you know where he’s at without having to say it directly. Take heart -- in this case he’s actually doing you a favor by not calling.

Reason #3: He Was Just Being Polite Have you ever given your number to a man who asked for it, all the while dreading the idea of ever talking to him again? Men do something similar with women. Sometimes men can enjoy a conversation with you but not really be interested in anything more. In this case, a man was just being polite by asking for your number.

Reason #4: He Lost Interest He was interested in you at first, but something happened along the way to change his mind about you. In this case, maybe he sensed some anxiety from you that he didn’t know how to figure out or handle. Or maybe he sensed a bit of desperation (“You’re going to call me, right?”). Communicating either anxiousness or desperation early on before a man knows you is a sure attraction-killer. Relax. If he’ll call he’ll call. If not, you know he wasn’t the right one at the right time.

Reason #5: He Lost Your Number or Forgot to Call Yes, sometimes this really happens. Men lose your number and can’t call. Unfortunately, when it does, some women fill their heads with all kinds of not-so-happy stories that don’t make them feel great. Now with these 5 reasons, what do all of the situations of how a man behaves and whether or not he calls have in common? For starters, none of these 5 reasons have anything to do with who you are as a woman. If you don’t know it yet, it’s your choice to give the situations you come across with men the meaning you want.

Here’s what I mean by that:
If you’re criticizing yourself because a guy didn't pick up the phone and call you right away, you might end up feeling hurt or confused. And the next time you do get on the phone and try and have a casual conversation with that man, or another man, that confusion or fear comes across in lots of subtle ways. When this happens often times the conversation just won’t feel right to a man. And here’s the thing -- men can sense this whether you know it or not.

If you can choose to make more positive meaning for yourself with the things you don’t yet understand about men or dating, odds are just making this small shift for yourself will have big impact on your success and finding and connecting with the right man.

"It's Complicated"

2008-12-06T16:36:00.003-05:00

I am beyond sick of the phrase "it's complicated" when it comes to a relationship! That phrase is the worst one used and more frequently than ever. It irritates me when a man uses that as a pass on his commitment to do dirt. When I ask you if you have a girlfriend, DON'T tell me "it's complicated" thinking that it's gonna get you in where you think you can fit it. It's black and white........yes or no! Don't tell me "it's complicated because it's "rocky".........what in the heck is that supposed to mean. When it's "rocky" in your relationship saying "it's complicated" doesn't give you a free pass to go be unfaithful and feel justified in doing so. If your relationship is so "rocky" then END IT! I've been in serious relationships and I've been through the "rocky" and "complicated" times but I NEVER used that as an excuse to go do as I please and feel justified by my triflin' actions and I surely didn't let that be the excuse for my boyfriend at the time. You either try to work out the "rocky" and "complicated" times in hopes to make your relationship last OR you make a decision to be done with it and move on because it clearly isn't working. Why put your "other half" through it just because YOU can't or don't want to deal with it? Just because your other half may not know for fact that you are being unfaithful does not mean that she isn't being torchered by the thoughts day in a day out that you probably are bein' unfaithful because all the signs point to it. It's scandalous, period the end. It just baffles me how some of you men think you're slick leavin' out pertinent information when engaging in conversation with another woman. And the audasity that you have to step to me while you got a whole girlfriend and possibly involve me whether you believe it to be that or not. Let me tell you something........when you have a girlfriend and you venture out to holla at me then you ARE involving me. We may not be getting serious or even looking to get into a relationship but if your girlfriend were to find out and I was not knowledgeable of her I guarantee in this world today that BOTH you and I would get the heat for it and IF your girlfriend is freakin' crazy then YOU are comprimising peace in MY life because she could do harmful things to me because she would perceive me as a scandalous broad because I'm hollerin' at you even if I didn't know. KEEP IT REAL DANG IT and let ME decide if I want to be a scandalous broad, which you will clearly see I AM NOT. So don't tell me once I've figured you out that "you aren't trying to get me involved" because every single person that comes into your life is an involvment in some form or fashion to you and possibly to your already present situations. I am proud to say I am a thinker. I'm proud to say that I am a question asker and not just some simple minded broad that chooses to be ignorant because you look like a good time. If you can't handle your COMMITMENT then spare your girlfriend the agony and be single. Go have your fun but don't do it at the expense of your girlfriends feelings and emotions because it is men like you that cause women like me to have so much pain in our hearts because of your lack of commitment and the dirt you decided to pleasure yourself with while I'M BEING FAITHFUL TO YOU. Miss me with it because I am NOT the one.

Ignoring your intuition

2008-12-06T16:05:00.002-05:00

I like to think of myself as a very intuitive individual. I am however aware of my habit to ignore my intuition too often. One's intuition should not be taken lightly and should not be ignored by one. It is our intuition that often protects us from uncomfortable and/or unfortunate situations in our life. It is way to easy to ignore all the signs and stay in an ignorant state of mind to seek pleasure because facing the facts means we have to put ourself in check..........means we have to face reality and deal with what is in front of us at that moment in time.......means we have to cease all vulnerability to a situation. So why is it we choose to ignore our intuition in certain situations? Why is it our "gut" often leads us in the right direction and we choose to go the other way because their is a minute chance that our "gut" could be wrong......though in most cases it has proven that it was right. Ignorance can be bliss but facing reality can be pure growth. It can be our intuition that makes us stronger and protect us from complicated situations in the future. Moral of this blog is that intuition can be a powerful key to much better things in store for us so don't ignore it because as I have learned the hard way and am still contiuing to learn, God has given us our intuition as a tool and so we need to stay tuned to it.

Three Degrees of Separation

2008-11-17T14:03:00.006-05:00

There used to be a television series called Six Degrees of Separation and the idea of the show was based on the theory that anyone on the planet can be connected to any other person on the planet through a chain of acquaintances that has no more than five intermediaries. So especially over the last 5 years of my life I have realized that the Southern Indiana/Kentuckiana area has, at the most, 3 degrees of separation. I tend to refer to myself as a social butterfly.......meaning I know LOTS of people whether it be through friendships or by association of friendships due to my love of socializing. I enjoy meeting and getting to know many people that come along. I would never say it's a burden that I know so many people, but with it comes a LOT of information both good and bad. It can also come with a lot of he say, she say bull crap......so when knowing many people you have to filter through the invalid information as it is provided because some people thrive off of drama which they know they can cause with rumors which many find extremely entertaining. I always question my sources and know their credibility to know whether the information is provided for their own personal gain or if it may be because they sincerely care. What continues to baffle me each and every time I come across DISTURBING information is that some people continue to try to be diabolical in their triflin' ways around here thinkin' that the truth won't eventually be brought to light. It is not at all a surprise to find out that when something has happened around here that about 90% of the population will probably know about it within a week or less. If you have lived around here long enough, you to start to catch onto the wild fire known of information that I refer to as the "grape vine". The more people one knows the more information they will come across. I am very aware through my own personal life experiences that it is hard to keep your life private around here. I have found that it is even harder to keep your life private if you choose to do deceitful, triflin', selfish, and/or drama filled things in your life. Sometimes the harmful things you are doing may be found out by a loved one or someone that truly cares, and that person will most likely feel obligated to make their loved one or friend aware of the hurt you are causing with your actions and deceit. You cannot blame the messenger for caring or loving the one you are deceiving or hurting. If you would just KEEP IT REAL you would have a whole lot less problems in life and you wouldn't have to worry about the "grape vine". So if you are gonna continue to be triflin' ........when thinkin' about being a "playa" you may want to do a LITTLE research, at least in regards to who you are thinkin' about playin', because the more people he or she knows the stronger chance your triflin' ways are gonna be revealed........and in most cases VERY quickly and you will only have YOURSELF to blame for being triflin' because like I always say, "all lies will be revealed with time".

"Those Moments"

2008-11-13T22:27:00.004-05:00

There will always be "those moments" in life where you feel like an emotional breakdown is inevitable.......you will feel like a tear or two will release your stress and worries......you will sometimes just feel that screaming out loud will break up the pain. You choose to put "those moments" off, because you are SO strong and you feel that bottling them up is so much easier than bringing them to light whether in front of a crowd, someone, or maybe even by yourself because you might then be labeled as emotionally unstable, vulnerable, and/or weak. Let me break it down to you......YOU ARE HUMAN and God made each and every one of us with emotions and what you will find out is that "those moments" are not extinguished......ONLY postponed.

Make love to my mind.

2008-10-22T20:59:00.014-04:00

He will make love to my mind.......rejuvenate my soul.....take notice to the depth inside.....as it is what makes me whole. I am more than surface beauty.........my true beauty lies within...........from my soul to yours.........a beautiful adventure can begin. Look deep into my eyes........tell me what you see.......a continuing growth of WOMAN is what you'll see in me. Being aroused by my uniqueness.........finding glee in my happiness.......being motivated by my success.........taking comfort in my security and warmth.........I shall settle for nothing less. He will be strong in mind, body, and soul........he will have ambition and the want to grow.......he will exude the potential for passion and love............he will not be scared to express himself........he will think with every step taken..........he will embrace what CAN BE...........he will possess these characteristics if he's meant to be with an extraordinary woman like me. My life is a puzzle wanting and waiting for your piece to complete it. So remember me, Dear when you embark on the journey of love.......recognize the significance of what is right in front of you and that with you is where I belong. We will discover phenomenal things that will feel endless along the way.......as we enjoy the beautiful odyssey that life takes us along. So make love to my mind..........rejuvenate my soul.........I have now noticed your depth inside......and it is you that makes me whole.

A TRUE friend..........

2008-10-19T20:44:00.003-04:00

Category: Friends

Along the path of life we meet many wonderful people. Some of those wonderful people make their ways into our hearts to be friends. To have a real and TRUE friend is one of the most cherished blessings that I thank God for. I don't know what I would have done if my true friends wouldn't have been here for me all of my years. They have been there through my errors, my pain, my tears, my laughter, my happiness, my joy, and my continuing growth and in turn I do everything in my power to reciprocate the same love and loyalty that they have given to me. It can be very hard to find friends that are loyal and won't backstab and do things to hurt you. Through friendships you will go through a series of trials and tribulations and to me that is either the make or break of friendships. If you can get through the trials and tribulations, recognizing your errors and come out LEARNING from the mistakes that may have taken place and either asking for forgiveness or being the one to forgive, the friendship can become closer and stronger. If you however have trials and tribulations and the errors aren't recognized and the mistakes or acts are repeated whether forgiven previously or not, then a friendship is more than likely going to whither away and both parties left in pain whether either party wants to admit it or not. I don't believe friendships are meant to be hard. I don't believe that either party in a friendship is intended to do MORE work than the other. I believe it is equal playing ground and the same amount of love, devotion, loyalty, support, and work should be put into it in order for it to prosper. I often evaluate the friendships in my life and I think it is important to do so. I think it is healthy for friends to get things off of their chest to the other in an appropriate manner, but once that is done you CANNOT repeatedly keep bringing it up and makin' the other feel bad because YOU have chosen not to get over it and move past it. If you feel something is going wrong with a friendship of yours, instead of pointing the finger at the other person, take a step back and check yourself to make sure that you are not in the wrong. It is SO much easier to point a finger when you're in the wrong but it is mature and the right thing to do to accept and own up to things that were your fault as well. If you always sit and point the finger and never accept responsibility of your actions then you will never grow and your friendships will never prosper. A friendship should never end and one of the parties feel relieved that they don't have to deal with you anymore because if that is the case than it wasn't a true friendship in the first place. I have found through evaluations past and present that if a friendship leaves you with a negative vibe, confused, feelin' down, sad, angry more than it does leaving you happy, uplifted, supported, and positive than it is not a TRUE friend on the other end. A TRUE friend will be there through the good AND the bad. A TRUE friend will not hold things over your head constantly. A TRUE friend will not always agree with every decision you make in your life BUT will accept YOU for YOU and will BE THERE regardless. Moral of this blog........TRUE friends are hard to find so make sure you're being one and when you are a TRUE friend make sure it is being reciprocated.

It’s still so fresh.......let me heal.

2008-06-09T00:00:00.000-04:00

Category: Romance and Relationships

Gosh.......it's still so fresh. My feelings just got minor league hurt. I mean I give it everything in me to salvage a friendship (if it began with friendship before romance) out of a dating or relationship situation that didn't work out, but dang it......it's just hard to see him with someone else so fresh after we've stopped dating. The first time is always uncomfortable but SO FRESH. I mean dang it's been such a short time since the end of our dating adventure. Kinda hurts that he would think about bringing a "date" to such an exclusive mutual friends gathering KNOWING I'm gonna be there. Yeah I'mma have to put on my "I'm alright and I don't care" face but I'm really not gonna be. It's just so fresh still. I don't feel like I'm overreacting at all and it would be so different if it were a few months down the line but give me some time to get over it. Granted we're trying the friendship thing but dang I can't just erase my feelings away RIGHT AWAY........it takes time for SOME. I can't imagine if the roles were reversed that he would appreciate me doing the same. If he felt the way he said he did then I know it would bother him. Hmmmmmmm...........here I go.......putting my thick, strong shell on again. Get so sick of doing that sometimes but don't want to show everybody that my strength was penetrated by emotions and got me feeling uncomfortable. I'm gonna move past the feelings eventually but this soon...........naw, it takes time as I was really feeling. ONE can't cake on additional discomfort to a slowly distinguishing feeling and expect ones feeling not to get hurt more. Let it heal first, THEN RUB IT IN! It's common sense if you think about it and if ONE really cares ONE would have thought about that.

To let go and understand..........

2008-05-08T20:48:00.000-04:00

Category: Romance and Relationships

It is still beyond my comprehension, and probably will forever be, how two people join in on a romantic level and it turns to dust in the wind when you saw it having so much potential. It also baffles me that once one has hurt you that they expect you to be kosher with the thought of being "just friends" after you ended up being the one with hurt. I mean it would almost ease my hurt to an extent if the man would just act like it bothers him even just the slightest little bit that he and I will no longer be romantic and I may never be in the picture again. Was it that shallow for you? That just displays the message to me that he really couldn't have cared that much about me in the first place. It's unfortunate and upsetting that I've once again gotten my feelings involved and FOR WHAT?!?!?! It is not my goal in life to catch another's attention and embark on an emotional journey just so I can say WELL THERE'S ANOTHER ONE that didn't see my worth. I AM WORTH IT and you will NOT convince me otherwise. If you wanted to step out of the picture to DO YOU then cool have fun, but I've been with an "I'm too busy for you", "your an option, not a priority" dude before and I DON'T deserve another one. My feelings are hurt once again and as I should be used to this rerun by now................I'm not! It still hurts that someone is so easy at letting me go like I was just a fun toy for a little while. Hope you had your fun and thanks for making me remember why I was skeptical in the first place. I shouldn't have wasted a single tear on you. Shame on me for that because I should have known better.

Dear love and desire.

2008-04-14T20:52:00.002-04:00

Category: Romance and Relationships

Dear Love and Desire,

As I sit and wonder why on tv love looks so easy and attainable,
the thought makes me smile and hopeful to find love as calm, strong, and genuine.

Then as I gaze upon one that gives me that same tingle at times that I see on tv,
a storm arrives to strike the lightning and awaken me to the reality that love is not as cool and breezy as the tv may make it look at times.

I guess my patience is what I need to work on because it seems love and romance seems too good to be true and too far in the distance to be believable.

I look around wondering if that LOVE that should be so full of depth, genuine, loyal, strong, supportive, unconditional, everlasting really exists in this day in age.

Can someone take ME AS I AM and love me without the thought of disloyalty and proving to me that there will always be repeated pain to endure in my heart?

I know your supposed to take the good with the bad BUT why does that bad usually end up being the devastation or misery to a relationship?

Unconditional love.......hmmmmm.......that's a hard one to grasp because could I forgive one that cheated or even worse a non-changing, repetitive cheater?

Is love enough to look him in his eyes day in day out wondering if he even notices me or if I'm just there because I'm comfortable to him?

Is love enough to be with him wondering if and how much time has elapsed since he was thinking of or maybe even holding another woman?

Ahhhhhh and the subject of why one will yearn for another that may not reciprocate that desire AS MUCH. Should the desire to be with one be mutual AT ALL TIMES?

If it is reciprocated even 80% of the time is that sufficient? Is there a perfect 100% out there?

Why does she take time to talk one into staying when she should be the one answering that question from one?

Why does his touch, his kiss, his warm embrace, his little funny jokes, his intelligence, his drive, his sweet whispers ALWAYS keep her comin' back?

Why is it so hard for her to let go?

She questions if letting go is the right thing to do just to be safe or if her fear of abandonment and loneliness keeps it alive.

What does she do if one walks away briefly but walks back to her with passion in his eyes?

Why does she pick up the phone so many times, dial his number and before it fully connects end the call because she wants her phone to ring showing his call coming into her phone because she was thought of before she thought of him?

Why does such a beautiful, independent, determined, grown, caring, loving, genuine woman fall into her weakness so often?

Maybe that is why the desire to adore and love is SO strong to her because she has to fight to keep it alive at times and she chooses to try to let the good out weigh the bad.

Wondering if being released from the desire to love and desire for him would make her happier and more at peace and ending the constant questions..........I don't believe so because that is her and her is sometimes ME.

Thank you love and desire for allowing her to have you in her life and heart but is it possible that you make the way a little easier and more understandable for her because she feels she is worthy and ready.

Sincerely,
ME

Misunderstood

2008-03-14T20:53:00.000-04:00

Category: Romance and Relationships

I wish I could create a handbook on ME that would better explain to another HOW and WHY I feel a certain way about certain situations or individuals along my path of life. I feel so misunderstood a lot of the times. I don’t know if it would have been easier for all of the human race if God would have given a handbook to each one of us at birth that would explain us thoroughly throughout the entirety of our lifetime that would update daily with our growth that we would be able to make copies of and distribute, when needed, to all of the people that misunderstand us along our way of growth. You could have an index that would make it so easy to figure out like Chapter 1. Romance and Love; Chapter 2. Family; Chapter 3. Friends and Friendships; Chapter 4. Pet Peeves; Chapter 5: Growth from Specific Pains; Chapter 6: What not to do; Chapter 7: MY True Happiness, etc. What a LARGE handbook I would have. I sometimes wish I wasn’t so vocal about the way I feel but I don’t understand what justice that does anybody if I ALWAYS bottle up what I feel about you or you in my life. Wouldn’t you rather know? I feel like I’m bein’ fake if I don’t let you know how I’m feeling if it is something that bothers me and then when you and I are interacting I’m actin’ like everything is kosher when it’s not. I often time feel that it is detriment to my growth with some people in my life. I just hate to harbor things that weigh on my chest so heavy. I feel like I can’t breathe until I get it out into the open with whatever or whoever it has to deal with or it’ll just drag me down from constantly thinkin’ about it. I feel like even when I try to explain why I am feeling a certain way about something or someone that I just can’t get it through that persons dome piece and then I feel like I walk away from the situation confused, hopeless, and frustrated and then in turn leave the other person confused, frustrated, and irritated with me. A dear person in my life says to me often "you say you know what you would do in that situation, but you don’t really know until your in those shoes" and he is so right, So maybe that is the solution to people misunderstanding ME. Take a walk in my shoes and feel what I feel and then maybe you’ll comprehend my feelings. I guess since I know that isn’t possible I should just either get used to being misunderstood or maybe my silence would do the trick BUT I refuse to give up my freedom of speech, as it is my release a lot of the times, so I suppose that leaves me with being misunderstood. How frustrating. Please know when I come to you about what I feel it is not my intention to ever leave you furious or upset with me but ONLY to find a resolution that is suitable for the situation or to be there for you if that is possible.

15 Random Things

2008-03-12T20:54:00.001-04:00

Category: Life

OK, what ya do is, list 15 random things about you.

1. I LOVE walks in the park!
2. Even though I feel I had D.J. (my son) WAY too early in my life it happened for a reason and I wouldn’t take it back for anything.
3. I absolutely can’t STAND FAKE people! What’s the point?!?!?
4. Anytime I see a homeless person, elderly person that looks helpless, or handicapped person I literally have an urge to cry because my heart goes out to them and if I had more money I would shelter them all and gather a program that could try to get the homeless back on their feet and the elderly and handicapped people healthy as much as possible to create a more amicable and easy life because I have a big heart.
5. I don’t like to reveal my weakness’ at ANY time. I do admit that I have always struggled to defeat the weakness of yearning for a companion all the time.
6. When I eat, I only eat one thing at a time on my plate and I won’t mix things together and I usually leave the meat of the entree for last.....kind of like my FINALE! lol
7. I secretly get pissed when someone sees my first and last name and assumes that my last name is my first or they mispronounce my first name. It’s either BERACHAH or MS. PAYTON. Sheesh!
8. I have ALWAYS been blonde and NEVER dyed my hair past highlighting my blondeness. lol
9. I think everybodies feet (don’t care how cute they are) including my own are GROSS.
10. I have NEVER been in a physical altercation in my life but I’M SURE I would WHOOP UP ON some tail if anybody ever decides to get bold and throw any fists my way.
11. I am scared to no end to be in any swimming pool by myself.
12. I don’t believe in the phrase "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" because I’m not bout to be fake and act like everything is copacetic when your around if you are an "enemy" in my eyes.......it is what it is......I ain’t tryin’ to talk to you and don’t feel it to be beneficial to me anyways.
13. I don’t like to walk around bare foot and especially not on concrete, dry wood, or dirt.
14. I think I sometimes forget to address my issues and emotions because as much as I enjoy being the confidant and solid rock to most, sometimes all the advice given and issues and information received from others take precedence over my own.
15. I am a UofL Cardinal fan! GO CARDS!!!!!!!!!

Lovey-dovey Valentine’s Day

2008-02-14T20:55:00.000-05:00

Category: Romance and Relationships

Good ol' Valentine's Day. So here it is another year and still single. Usually the thought of Valentine's Day and all the lovey-dovey that goes along with it makes me want to yack BUT as I get older and more mature I realize that Valentine's Day is NOT only about the "man" or "woman" in your life or the sweet gifts and beautiful flowers you may receive. Every year I spend time with some of my other single friends and have a blast on Valentine's Day and so I have to thank the "special" people in my life for making my Valentine's Day so wonderful and happy. I love my family and my friends. So I hope not a single one of you are hanging your head today because you don't have that romantic someone.........because you all are my special someone each day. I hope you all have a fabulous and cheerful Valentine's Day!

Overanalyzing

2008-01-29T20:55:00.000-05:00

Category: Life

I used to be such a simple individual. I've been told on numerous occasions that I tend to overanalyze things said, done, or just situations in general. The thing is I am very aware of this but feel it to be necessary to make it through life. I didn't used to be this way so I know it is the 25 plus years I've lived that has my mind go through this process. Sometimes I feel it to be a disadvantage because at times you can end up blowing something out of proportion or maybe come to an inaccurate conclusion or assumption. However at times it has also been to my advantage so the question is do I try to learn to process certain situations, words, and/or actions normally with just a simple analysis? Is it even possible once you have reached the point I have in overanalyzing things to discontinue that process? Would it be to my advantage to try to attain a different way of thinking? I know I am not the only one that has this same way of thinking so maybe it is my complexity of mind that prohibits me from doing anything other than overanalyzing. It is part of me and as much as I'd like to believe I am simple minded I am not naive to the fact that I am a complex individual and with that, simplicity doesn't usually coincide.

Why always me???? Did I miss something???

2008-01-03T20:56:00.000-05:00

Category: Romance and Relationships

Where do I begin............I've expressed before how much I'm NOT a fan of dating and I wish that MY MAN would reveal himself to me by the obvious like a sticker across his face that said something like "THE ONE FOR YOU, BERACHAH" but unfortunately that is NOT how it works. I mean aside from the fact that I harbor so much pain from the past and have dealt with an overwhelming amount of bullish that I shouldn't have had to in my 10 years of dating, the confusion, deception, and games never seem to cease in my dating encounters. When I give someone a chance, start to truly care about him, involve my feelings, etc. that is HUGE for me because it sincerely SCARES THE CRAP OUT OF ME to make myself vulnerable to another soul. The thing is.......I KNOW I AM A WONDERFUL WOMAN in so many ways! I've been told all the things one likes or loves about me many of times yet it seems to never be enough for him. For the record the worst thing to do is tell me all the things you love and/or like about me and how I'm an awesome woman but you just don't see it working between us. DID I MISS SOMETHING?????? A couple things transpired last night and I'm still rather upset about it all because it is beyond my comprehension I guess. We all yearn to find that as close to perfect man or woman but it seems that when someone of that potential is right in front of our faces we don't take it seriously or give it the chance it deserves to bloom into what could possibly be one of the most beautiful decisions in our life. What is that?!?!?!?!? As scared as I am of it all I am still opening my mind and heart to it. It may be SLOWLY but I am still taking that step to allow someone to see me deep within to see if it's RIGHT. What is right??? Is there a such thing??? I'm not gettin' any younger and it's not like I'm tryin' to rush into anything but I just don't get it. I mean if you put a delicious entree in front of me I'm gonna try it and once I bite into it if I see that it holds a taste worth savoring then I'm going to continue to endulge in it to see if that first delicious taste remains. Why do the delicious entree's put before me seem to always be for someone other than me? I don't expect anyone to have the answers to these questions but I'm confused, frustrated, upset, and havin' a hard time figuring things out. What it ultimately comes down to is that I yearn so much to have MY ONE but at times wonder if he is anywhere to be found. I'm told I can be complex at times but it is the things I've experienced and continue to experience that make me overanalyze to see ALL of the possible outcomes of a situation or relationship with one. It is MY PROTECTION from more pain. And you know I decided to take advice in the past year that I had received multiple times in regards to NOT LOOKING for "the one" and that he will find me. Well I haven't been lookin' and have opened myself to opportunities that have presented themselves to me and not by my seeking but what the heck for because that approach doesn't seem to be effective either.

I am a TAURUS.....see how I am defined. Pretty daggon accurately.

2007-10-23T20:57:00.000-04:00

Category: Life

I am a TAURUS, your needs in love are largely determined by the pleasing of your senses। The first of the earth signs, Taurus is very physical। You are sensually inclined--not sensation-oriented like Aries, but rather keenly tuned in to the world of the physical five senses. (The sixth sense belongs to the Water signs!) To understand the Venusian Taurus nature, it is helpful to think of three "S" words that Taurus values: sensuality, stability, and satisfaction. You are somewhat conventional in matters of the heart, with a strong sense of commitment and purpose. You are not romantic in a frilly or dreamy way, yet you certainly have the sense of the romantic when it comes to honoring others and surrounding partnerships in simple luxuries. You are practical, and relationships are taken seriously. This does not necessarily mean that you are incapable of having one-night-stands or the like, but a partnership means a lot to you and you don't take your responsibilities lightly. You have a strong, constant love nature, and you offer loved ones much comfort in your stability. You seek out security through partnership. You tend to hold on to partnerships, and you place basic security needs over emotional or spiritual needs. As a result, others may see you as a rock, or they can easily get frustrated that you overlook the nuances of the relationship, depending on the audience.
Your tastes are well-developed, and you prefer to surround yourself with things that feel luxurious and comfortable, yet simple. Your taste in home decor reflects your own love nature! Satisfaction is important to you, and your lover's physical presence is demanded. Unless Venus is strongly aspected to Neptune, for example, you are very much concerned with all that is physical, often completely ignoring the spiritual needs of your partner and relationship. You are persevering and you are not afraid to wait if you know you are likely to get your prize! Changes make you unsettled, and you react to any sudden changes in the course of your relationship by digging in your heels.

Most all lies will be revealed with time......

2007-10-19T20:58:00.001-04:00

Category: Friends

I don't know why people continue to think that they can lie straight to your face and think because they THINK they are sneaky that their triflin' ways will not be found out by the one they have betrayed or hurt. Most all lies WILL be revealed with time and don't you DARE try to blame your actions on "bein' drunk"......UNACCEPTABLE and UNBELIEVABLE. IF the friendship that they have with you is important to them at all, you'd think once a "friend" has stepped on your toes or hurt you before that they would do everything in their power to make sure that they wouldn't do anything to mess up that bond up again. And for a friend to have the audasity to step to you with "concern" to make sure their actions would not yet hurt you again knowing that they already have done what they are talkin' about may happen in the FUTURE, is even lower. Did you do it because it made your conscious feel better???? Like I've said once before I do NOT take the words "I love you" lightly, I cherish REAL friendships deeply, and I just want YOU to know that you have been found out AGAIN and for YOU to look me in my face like you haven't yet again hurt me and act like everything is hunky dory because "I don't know about your actions" is RIDICULOUS! YOU ain't sneaky, I know a LOT of people that actually DO CARE ABOUT ME and the grape vine flows through my ears OFTEN so I don't know why you keep trying! Such disappointment. Was he worth it?!

Different perspective on dating and chances taken

2007-10-08T20:59:00.000-04:00

Category: Romance and Relationships

So I've been dating this guy for about 3 months now and everything has been truly wonderful. Though it is the learning process and things are on a slow pace, I have definitely developed feelings and a slow attachment to this GOOD MAN. In the past week another "good" MAN comes into the picture and shows interest and I was goin' back and forth about whether or not it is fair to date more than one guy at a time and if I should pursue this interest. It is in fact dating and so in my experience and mind there was nothing wrong with dating more then one guy but when it came down to it for me to feel as uncomfortable as I did during a whole date because I kept thinkin' to myself I wonder if the other guy would be offended and why do I feel so wrong. I wasn't havin' a bad time with this other "good" man but my discomfort took away from the experience and focus I should have dedicated to that date. I got to hear a different perspective on the situation of dating from the "new" guy and the "old" guy that they were not really comfortable with me talkin' to another because it is in some way unfair and it technically takes away from the total dating experience with one because if your talkin' to more than one man then you will not allow and cannot have your WHOLE focus on just one guy at that time, you would have to almost split your focus. It's not like I was purposely goin' out and lookin' for another to date because I've been perfectly content with dating this one guy for the past months but this other guy came along and I kept asking myself should I pass up the opportunity to date two "good" men as it is a RARE thing around here to find "good men"? The answer I came up with was YES because of the whole dating experience. It is already hard for me to put my feelings into something totally due to past hurt and my heart being guarded but having other options is not goin' to ease that past pain by makin' sure I always have more then one option because I'm comforted that I will always have someone and is not fair if you really think about it to any of the parties involved. I learned something this weekend through this experience and it is that I guess sometimes you gotta set aside your selfishness because of pain and take a chance. I cannot forsee the future and I don't know that the guy I've been dating is "the one", even though he is obviously an excellent prospect and MAN, but if he happens to be "the one" would I ever know if I decided to not focus on him and miss signs or whatever? As much as I think to myself that everybody comes into your life for a reason I've got to take a risk and pump the brakes on other "options" that I may come in contact with. I'm gettin' to old to juggle and refuse to play games. I don't think I was the only one that learned a lil somethin' this weekend either because through it all the one I've been dating realized how much me dating another bothered him and he realized it was because he really had a lot of feelings for me even though he also has a guard on his heart and let me know that. It's amazing how certain situations that transpire can make you realize how you really feel and decide to relay that to the other. Life lessons are a doozy and love lessons are even harder to figure out.

Your life can be over in an instant.

2007-09-30T21:00:00.001-04:00

Category: Life

Though we hear about death daily from watchin' the news or even from the stories that surface throughout each day it seems, you never really think it will end up bein' so close to you. I watch CSI (Crime Scene Investigation) on television regularly and even though I don't care to hear about death I for some reason find the show intriguing. However I never wanted to be able to say that I've ever seen one of those awful crime scenes in real life. I was at a club this weekend and the night went from fun to gut wrenching in like 5 minutes. Though I didn't witness the actual shooting, hearing it from inside the spot and knowing it was just right outside of the spot that was only sheltered by glass made my stomach turn. My life could have been over in an instant if one of those bullet's went astray into the building. What was going to stop it except for an object or person. All that I could think about was all the people out there watchin' the drama take place from what I thought was just a stupid drunkin' fight in the club and hoping that whoever decided to SELFISHLY pull guns out in the midst of so many innocent bi-standards wouldn't accidentally or on purpose hurt or kill anyone. That was not the case in this particular situation. When it was all over two people lost their lives and another was close to losin' his. I got to see my first real life dead body this weekend and even though I didn't know the victims personally it still made me cry. My heart hurt for them. And even though they may have wronged people in the past and may have been part of the shooting. Did anybody really deserve to lose their lives? I just kept thinkin' about how grateful I was that it wasn't me or any of my friends who caught any of the many bullet's fired when it was all goin' on. I have friends that have caught bullet's and thank God they are able to say that they are still breathing but all the craziness these days just scares the crap out of me. I have ALWAYS stressed how much I do NOT like guns and do NOT like to be around them. I know some people think guns solve the issues of some of these IMMATURE IDIOTS of the world walkin' around on a "power tip" because they carryin' a piece and can't nobody phase them, but all that crap does is ignite the flame further under the butt of loved ones and friends for "justice." I will never understand it all and I just hope and pray that when I go it won't be because I was out and about mindin' my own and some idiots decided to start fightin' or whatever and I catch a bullet and die havin' nothing to do with the situation. It was definitely a bit of an eye opener. I know bad things happen all the time and drama seems to be continuous around here but I still think there is NO excuse for retaliation by way of tryin' to end ones life. For anybody that reads this I'm not goin' to apologize if you've become offended by this blog and the way I feel. God is the ONLY one who should be choosin' when our lives are over. It is not up to us to place judgment and our choice of punishment on ANY individual no matter what they've done to you. They may in fact be "bad" people in your eyes but why let your animosity take over because in the end whether you choose to end someone's life or not we will ALL be judged by God by what WE chose to do and not one someone has done to us. There will be no valid excuses or pointing of fingers in heaven.

An apology doesn’t make EVERYTHING okay.

2007-09-04T21:00:00.002-04:00

Category: Friends

I know it is said once someone apologizes that we are supposed to "forgive and forget" but does anybody else realize how hard that is to do. I am a very loving and forgiving person HOWEVER once I've been wronged by someone, I have a hard time with just "forgive and forget" as I am not God. I am human and with that comes error but blatant disrespect amongst other hateful remarks are not all solved by the words "I'm sorry" in my opinion. I definitely do NOT like to hold grudges against anyone but I almost can't fathom how I am supposed to just forget. I'm not okay with someone doin' me wrong and tryin' to come back into my life just as soon as the words "I'm sorry" comes out of their mouth like that should make EVERYTHING okay. It doesn't! In the back of my mind I will always retain what someone has done to me, and whether that is just memory of pain or maybe just plain mistrust, it is still there. I am by far perfect but when I've wronged someone I am quick to try to make it right if I am knowledgeable of it but I also know that "I'm sorry" does not always bring a resolution to the hurt and I don't sit there and pretend like the person I may have hurt has completely forgotten about it. If they are human like myself I doubt strongly that it is forgotten when forgiven. I don't know maybe it is a defect I have and something that I need to learn to do but for now those things will linger in my mind when he or she is talkin' to me like everything is all hunky-dory. The point of this blog is just to let you know I don't FORGET the GOOD or the BAD that one has done to me so keep that in mind when you are talkin' to me or maybe callin' me everyday like you once used to.......hint hint I'm probably not okay with it right off the bat if EVER.

Husband Credentials.....if you ain’t got em dating shouldn’t be an option for या.

2007-08-04T21:01:00.000-04:00

Category: Romance and Relationships

Like my profile says I don't believe in using the internet as a dating service but if that is the way destiny has it then live and let live. This may come off as a cocky blog but to me it's more of a guide to some of the so called "MEN" and also the findings of my observations from the internet and the opposite sex. First off let me say that guys do come at me a lot for "dating" reasons and maybe "other" reasons, if you will, and so I've made it a point to try to start asking the BASICS to see if these "men" comin' at my grown self have "HUSBAND CREDENTIALS." Again I'll say I'm not using the internet for dating purposes so these questions are out of pure curiousity. I'll just say if you ain't got the following when you come at me you ain't comin' at me correctly in my opinion:
1. A job (that you have kept for longer then a month and/or intend on keepin' for a stable amount of time)
2. Transportation, a/k/a your own car, bike, SOMETHIN'
3. Goals
4. Bank Account that isn't always in the negative (so I know yo butt can at least partially manage your own EARNED moolah)
5. Your own place whether you rentin' or ownin'.....some place you can call YOUR home
6. Cell phone or home phone
7. Existence of a long term relationship in your life time after high school and the capability to handle commitment
8. The want to be a husband before the age of 40
Ya'll might read the above and think to yourselves.......those sound like some pretty common things around people my age (25) and older.......however through the course of time I've been single on the internet, those simple things are NOT always either on somebody's plate or even on their daggon agenda for life. I am NOT a completely materialistic woman BUT you've got to at least match me in my accomplishments or investments so I know you can take care of me when and if we ever engage in marriage. In my observations ya'll so called "MEN" have a LOT to work on if you gonna come at somebody on my level. Get your husband credentials together and keep in mind I just listed above some of the BASICS.

It's sad that bein' nice and helpful can get you treated so bad.

2007-07-06T21:05:00.000-04:00

Category: Friends

It's so sad that bein' nice and helpful to certain people can get you treated and talked to so badly. I try to be the type of friend that people can come to and lean on but when your leanin' is causin' debt and stress in my life there's a problem. I don't think anybody likes to be taken advantage of but I always seem to be so blind to it. Does that make me a fool or does that just make me too nice? I feel like I may have a fo real bad judgment defect in my brain sometimes. Maybe my nickname should be "gotcha sucka" because it seems like certain people can drain the life out of you and then after they screw you over.....you know that's what their thinkin' in their head.....GOTCHA SUCKA! It's also sad to me that a friendship can be so petty to certain people. I have been there and been there and been there for a certain someone and he has ALWAYS taken advantage of me and in my foolishness of thinkin' he'll get his act together, am put in a predicament. It's sad to me that he's so easy to throw a friendship away over something SO SMALL and disrespect me so badly over something SO SMALL. I thought our friendship was deeper than that but it is quite apparent to me now that no TRUE FRIEND will ever say to you the things that I have heard said to me today and no TRUE FRIEND would ever put such stress and predicaments in my life. I feel truly foolish for helpin' him out for so long and I feel extra foolish that I did it for nothing not even a friendship that is salvageable. One day he will look back and realize what he's lost........a TRUE FRIEND.

Challenging yourself is one of the greatest challenges.

2007-06-05T21:05:00.001-04:00

Category: Life

I'm goin' through some changes in my life. Maybe its because I feel older by the minute and feel like it is time for me to grow even more then I have over the last 25 years of my life and get ME together. I've set forth challenges for myself over the last couple of months and all that I can say is GOLLY! Challenging myself has been and continues to be one of the greatest challenges I face yet. I am in fact a very STRONG woman but challenges definitely test you thoroughly. You know we all go through the "new year resolutions" every year, but how many of us REALLY stick to them and conquer the challenge(s)? I know I am guilty of not always CHOOSING to accomplish what I have set out in my "time frame." The challenges I'm facin' now are things that I have childishly become accustom to over the last 6 years of my life. It's always fun to play but the HARD lessons you learn along the way almost make it seem like playin' is not so worth it in the end. Though I know we are supposed to grow with each step we take in life whether it be the hard way (which is usually the way I take) or the easy way. I am CHALLENGING myself to be a better person and to put away those childish things in which I have become attached. Those things are but habits that I have chosen not to get rid of in my life and now that I am choosing to rid those things from my life it makes the challenge all the more hard to work on accomplishing. I'm actually quite proud of myself because I have been doin' well BUT my challenges are NOT over yet and I encourage all of you to stick it out. Challenge yourself in areas of your life that you've been wanting to make better or just change. I believe if I am concurring the challenges I have made for myself, ANYBODY can be successful. It may not be easy but I feel the reward will be worth it to ME. Challenges can be a test of your mind, your strength, your will, your heart, and your character. I hope through all the challenges I am facing in my life that I WILL be a stronger, more intelligent, beautiful individual.

Have a blessed and very fulfilling day!

Pretty daggon determined.

2007-05-28T21:06:00.000-04:00

Category: Romance and Relationships

It seems as though when your out in the dating scene that when you find somebody you REALLY SINCERELY like and are giving your sole thoughts and feelings to that they aren't the ones that are DETERMINED and persistent to make sure you are all to themselves........But it's the ones that you aren't really givin' any attention to that are pretty daggon DETERMINED to catch your eye, win you over, and have you to themselves. What is that??? I never have gotten it and probably never will. The one you want to be persistent isn't usually the one that is. I guess it is true the things that you want REALLY bad are usually the hardest things to grab hold of and obtain for yourself. The moral of this blog you ask............there isn't one, just thoughts from my observations in dating. Blaaaaaaaaaah!

10 Weird or Random things, facts, or habits about me that you may not have known.

2007-04-23T21:07:00.000-04:00

Category: Life

1. I do not like the feel or smell of newspaper. It gives me gross chills.
2. I only use certain kinds of pencils. Some pencils scratch the paper and that gross' me out.
3. I won't step on manholes in the street, big holes covered up with anything on sidewalks or anywhere.
4. I fear putting ANY part of me in water that I cannot see through.
5. I don't like to step on the black lines on the bottom of public pools. (I've always had a fear that something would get me or I would fall through).
6. It sickens me when people flick their fingernails and it ecspecially sickens me when someone does it to my fingernails.
7. I have to take a shower EVERY morning or I feel dirty all day. Even if I took one at midnight the night before.
8. I can't stand when someone licks their finger and wipes it across paper. GROSS!
9. I am CONSTATNLY moving some part of my body. I cannot sit completely still at any point of my awakened day.
10. When I go to sleep in a bed. I feel unsafe and uncomfortable if I don't have my feet tucked into the end of the cover.

Ethnic Stereotypes perturb me!!

2007-03-21T21:09:00.000-04:00

Category: Life

I received an e-mail today from a good friend that had a supposed article of a magazine of two opinions: One from a white woman, and a responsive opinion to the white woman from a black man. In this day in age you are going to see SO many interracial mixers! I haven't traveled the world ,but I know that it is not in just my region of occupancy that people date outside of their race. It is also NOT a fact that the only interracial mixes you are going to see is black and white. We have so many nationalities in the United States that I don't know why their seems to always be a bashing toward black and white. I've never once heard any black or white person say that had a problem with a mexican, chinese, japanese, australian, protugese, etc. dating within their race. I realize everyone has an opinion and that is what we have the right to have HOWEVER I DESPISE any one person that looks at my outer appearance and stereotypes me because of my ethnicity. Who are you to look at me and sum me up based on your prior encounters with a white woman or thoughts of a white woman??? Why is it SOME white women feel they have the upper hand to a black woman because they are dating a black man? Why is it SOME black women can call white woman weak or easy because we are dating a black man? Why is it a black man will choose NOT to date any other race except for white woman because they say black woman are too dominating or loud or whatever? I'm sorry I have friends of other races and yes if you know me you also know that I have only dated men either black or mixed BUT it is not me doing so to make a statement. It is not me being bias towards a black man because I have discredited every white man or any other race because that is NOT the case and I have liked many other races in my 24 years of living. It just so happens that's how it worked out. And I have heard many people in my day make comments about black woman bein' too loud or controling and I've heard comments about white women being pushovers and easy. I know many of both races that don't fit either of those stereotypes including myself. Don't come to me and tell me that I'm tryin' to be more "black" because I go to the tanning bed to have a little complexion. Don't tell me I'm trying to be "black" because I enjoy listening to a certain type of music. DON'T STEREOTYPE ME because of the pigmentation of my skin! If your going to stereotype me do it ONLY when you meet me in person and look beyond my outer appearance and find out my inner workings! God made each and everyone of us an individual for a reason with individiual personalities, etc. We ALL face different trials and tribulations in our lives. This is not my opinion or perspective as an angry "white" woman either.......it is my perspective as an INDIVIDUAL who often faces prejudice remarks due to the color of my skin or decisions in my life. The reality is that every race in this day in age does in fact face certain prejudices but I do hope when any white woman opens her mouth that she doesn't feel like she's speaking on behalf of every white woman including myself because that is not the case. And I do hope that no one person ever encounters me and thinks because of their race that I take one look at them and have them "figured out" or stereotyped from the jump. I don't mind hearing a person's perspective or opinion about a race until they start bashing me as a "white" woman. Point of this blog you ask........don't stereotype me and degrade ME as an individual because YOU may be close minded.

Movin' on and the games that are played.

2007-02-19T21:09:00.000-05:00

Category: Romance and Relationships

I don't know what it is about the whole movin' on process that is SO daggon hard sometimes. Its like you have it set in your mind that you are DONE and that you deserve better and he was an asshole to you anyways so why should you care and thats it BUT then you see that your once significant other is movin' on and you wonder how it is that he moves on so easily, and how he calls her like he used to call you, and compliments her like he didn't hardly ever compliment you. You can't help but to be a tad bit curious what the next offers that is makin' your once significant other so interested as he was into you at one point. I can't even front and say that it doesn't bother me a lil bit that HE is talkin' to somebody else because I would be lyin'. I can't front and say I'm not offended at the cute lil things she says to him and the lil ringtone she now gets because she is now special to him. It hurts to see that. And yes I do feel sorry for her in a way because I know she's got him now and I know what she's bout to go through wit him and for that I sympathize but no matter what I say and do I will tell him, her, and anyone else that asks that when I say I am THROUGH.......its not just words and hot air comin' out my mouth its thoughts and feelings from the heart. So from here on out the games that are being played, the smart and spiteful lil remarks are OVER because I am not doin' myself a favor by continuing to express that I care. To him and her its a victory that I still care and that all that crap their doin' bothers me. Your victory is over. From here on out I WILL BE VICTORIOUS. It is I that has found a man that blows him out of the water and for that the movin' on process is so much easier to see what I was missin' out on while I was settling for things not good or meant for me.Things will be as their supposed to be. SOOOOOO good luck to "her" and him because you'll need every bit of it.

Still heart broken but as the days pass.

2007-01-25T21:10:00.000-05:00

Category: Romance and Relationships

To all of my friends and family I thank you for your support through this hard time I'm goin' through with my broken love. I loved him with all my heart and I do hope one day he will realize how great we would have been together and I was worth the sacrifice but when that happens I will hopefully be moved on and happy with someone that wants to be my everything and have me be theirs. The heart break will be with me for a LONG time but as the days pass by it gets a little easier. I have been reminded again through this pain that I deserve ONLY the best from a man. I haven't shed any tears in about a week now which is an improvement. It takes everything in me to get him and the break up off of my mind but I am a little more successful each day. So this is an update on my emotional state. It is better and I will remind myself every day that I am a Strong, Intelligent, Independent, Worthwhile, Beautiful woman that someone one day will recognize. Being single isn't all its cracked up to be and the men hitting on me and tryin' to get at me tends to be annoying right now to me, but I guess fresh meat on the market is appealing so I guess I haven't lost my appeal in the dating scenery.
Again thank you to those of you for bein' there for me through this.....you know who you are and I am truly grateful for you.

How could you?!

2007-01-17T21:10:00.000-05:00

Category: Romance and Relationships

How could you be so easily over this and moving on to the next broad like I was a temporary feeling to you? How could you even be thinking about getting into another relationship so soon? How could you act like this doesn't break your heart any more than losing a penny out of your pocket? How could you sit there and continue to be an asshole when you are making me hurt and cry? How could you be so selfish? How could you not fight for the love we had? How could you not care about my feelings if you loved me? How could you go on pretending that we didn't invest any time, love, emotions, and effort to make US what we were? How could you show me again why everyone told me we shouldn't be together? How could you show everyone that I was a fool once again with you because I believed in OUR future together? HOW COULD YOU?!?!?!?!?

As tears fall down my face.......I realize a relationship is gone.

2007-01-11T21:11:00.000-05:00

Category: Romance and Relationships

As each tear falls down my face I wonder if it was worth it. Was love and is love worth it???? I put SO much of me into one man and what I get in return is tears falling down my face, a broken heart, and more bitter feelings about male compatibility with myself. Is there a man out there for me? Is there a man that can fulfill every part of making me happy that I expect? Why was I such a fool? Why does my kind heart always get this disappointment, this anger, this sadness, this lack of love, and a broken heart. I am sad and torn. I'm looking back at 11 months...........were they wasted or was it just another test to make me feel so down that I would learn to know better in the future? Will I ever be able to see the right one? Is there a right one for me? Last night me and Justin broke up and I loved him SO much but it wasn't enough for us to last as long as I had anticipated or hoped. I AM HURTING, I AM DISTRAUGHT, I AM BROKEN!

Seriousness.

2006-11-07T21:14:00.001-05:00

Category: Friends

This blog is about the seriousness of my blogs. There is a reason that when I'm expressing my happiness, hurt, anger, confusion, or sadness on here why I do NOT include names. The one reason is because quite frankly if it ain't got to do with you then you don't need to know who the business is about. If it is about you then thats between me and you and its something that obviously touched me in some way and blogging is what I thought about the situation. Secondly its because I like blogging but I don't do it for the purposes of puttin' my business out there but to let people know there are lessons to be learned and things to think about that may be goin' on in my life or in somebody's life that I may know. There is ALWAYS a point to my blogs and that is why I blog. Maybe its because I hope that when somebody reads my blogs that if they are in the wrong they will know how I feel about how they are or what they do, or maybe its just to keep people informed about how I feel about certain issues. If I write a blog and its about you......you are probably the ONLY person that knows that the blog is about you, so if somebody is makin' comments on here about my blog and NOT knowing who it is about then shouldn't nobody be gettin' directly offended or be holdin' grudges about somebody's comment to my blog. Its a thought of mine and if somebody comments then its somebody else's thought on my thought or there support for the issue. If you do read my blogs please don't be gettin' offended about other friends comments as they don't know who the blog is about and are only giving their opinion about what or how they may feel about the situation. Er'body got an opinion and you may not like their opinion but not er'body necessarily likes your opinions either. That is why we are different people. The point to this blog ..........don't take people's comments on my blogs so serious or personal please.

I should be your ONLY beautiful.

2006-10-23T21:15:00.001-04:00

Category: Romance and Relationships

If you are in a relationship with someone and deep down you really like or LOVE this man or woman then things like "you're beautiful", "you're handsome", "I really want you to come see me" should be a SMALL portion of the things you should tell he or she on a REGULAR basis. And if you don't consistently tell your love the above then you sure the hell shouldn't be sayin' to NOBODY else. To sit there and tell another one of your female or male friends that he or she is beautiful more than once a day when you ain't even said it to your loved one yet is completely unacceptable! For you to have the audasity to do it in the first place shows the lack of respect that you have for the love of your life. Your girlfriend or boyfriend should be your ONLY beautiful. Where is your mind at when you say these things to other females or males?! I can tell you one thing it ain't with the love of your life that's for damn sure. SHAME ON YOU that think sayin' inappropriate things to the opposite sex is okay, shame on you for disrespectin' the love of your life, shame on you for the pain you are causing your significant other knowing it hurts their hearts and minds. SHAME ON YOU! YOU DON'T DESERVE the one that thinks of you with every step they take and every word they speak and all the love they pull out of their heart and soul to give you everyday of their life.

Don't compare me!!!

2006-10-16T21:15:00.001-04:00

Category: Friends

I had a really good friend come to me this weekend during a drunkin' session of conversation (you know the real truth) about more than one person comparing her to me and insinuating that she need be more like me. Because of this she said she was kinda holding a grudge against me because of it. I don't think it was fair for her to hold a grudge against me for something I did not say and sure the hell did not encourage anyone else to say but that is how she felt. As flattering as it is that someone may have me on a high place of people they think about, I am NOT by any means perfect and I sure don't think you should compare anyone to me because as this friend made a point she said "why can't I just be me why do I have to be compared to you?" Her point was VERY valid. She is her own person and I am my own person and I hope everyone can realize that EVERYBODY is different and it is for a reason. The point of this blog is if you are reading it and you are comparing someone to me......DON'T. I don't want anyone to be like me, I want them to be like them and them ONLY. So for the sake of someone else's feelings and friendships leave my name out of your comparisons.

Quality Time

2006-10-10T21:18:00.000-04:00

Category: Romance and Relationships

Okay so you get into a relationship or marriage and you wanna what..........SPEND QUALITY TIME with your significant other right? Yes this is typical of a loving relationship or marriage in my opinion. Asking to have one on one time with your man or woman is not something that should be a "burden" to the other. It should be cherished and loved. And for those of you out there that think bein' in the same place, room, or vicinity with your man or woman is spending "quality time" with them. You may want to ask em what they think about that because I GUARANTEE that you will find they probably have a different outlook on that. I am a pretty social woman and so is my man and often times when we're spending time together its in mixed company. And just because we are "hangin' out" with those people at the same time doesn't mean that we are spending the adequate ALONE a/k/a ONE on ONE time with each other. Me and my man aren't the most affectionate people out in public because quite frankly we don't have to be all up on each other for other people to know we are together or to show we love one another. So when we are in an appropriate place to show that affection I cherish and love it. The point you ask.......make sure you take and cherish the time with your other half because like some could vouche for they may not be around forever and you don't want to be bitter because you didn't get to spend a sufficient amount of time loving on your man or woman and God forbid that be the reason why your significant other grows apart from you because you were to SELFISH to give a little Quality Time to he or she.

I love you's........

2006-09-26T21:19:00.000-04:00

Category: Life

I love you, love ya bye, love ya, much love, there are many different forms of expressing verbally that you love someone whether it be your significant other, a family member, or a friend. I often end a farewell to someone by phone, or in person, or even on a message on the computer with I love you or love ya bye. I NEVER say that if I don't mean it. I think some people get in the habit of using the word love towards someone in vain or because the other person said it first. This is where the confusion comes in when you say one thing and do another. Your ACTIONS reflect your love whether you say it or not. So when I say I love you in whatever form it may be I hope that you are comforted in knowing and SEEING that I indeed love you as a friend, or my boyfriend, or my family. I hope you are comforted in the fact that I don't take that phrase lightly. I care deeply about those that I say that to, I try not to hurt them in any way because of that love, and if I am in the wrong I will go to you to make sure you understand that I love our relationship, or our friendship so that you can see that I care and that I love you enough to make things right and not have things misunderstood. We all make mistakes and we all slip up and the other end may feel wronged by your actions but if you LOVE someone you will do what it takes to make things right which is the action of love.The questions I have for you is this.........when you say I love you in any form, do you mean it? Do you say it out of habit? Do you say it because it sounds good? Do you say it because of the pressure? Do you say it and back it up? I ask this of you........if you say it to me MEAN IT, SHOW IT, REMEMBER IT, and if you can't do those things please don't waste your breathe anymore in the future saying it to me. Because I DEMAND that the love I feel and try to show to the best of my ability to everyone I say it to is given unto me the same.

Expectations

2006-09-20T21:12:00.000-04:00

Category: Romance and Relationships

Expect the best and if you are not receiving the best then YOU are settling for less than the best and can only blame yourself.

Influences.......what is yours?

2006-09-06T21:19:00.000-04:00

Category: Life

Its only been over the last few years that I realized how strongly influential I can be to others around me. I've always been told that I have the ability to be a leader but sometimes I wish I could leave that up to others. I have had multiple people come up to me over the years to tell me how I have affected them personally or someone that they know. I will admit the most of it is in a positive manner but sometimes I can see my own influence directing someone down the wrong path and that is what makes me wish I sometimes did not have the ability to lead or affect someones life. I don't believe it is intended to be a burden to lead or influence but geeze I know I'm not perfect and its kind of scary to think someone may act like me or want to be like me just from being around me and liking me.There was a comment made to me this weekend about a certain influence I had on someone and it was kind of funny but it was also like wow please don't let me steer you in a direction that you may not want for yourself. I know everybody is capable of making their own decisions and facing their own consequences but I don't want anyone facing a consequence because they were influenced by me and chose to do the same as I. I to am influenced but I don't feel as much as some are. I never really have fell into peer pressure hardly at all. Thank God for the strong will and head that he has provided me to have in my life. What is the point of this blog you ask? It is this.........just remember whether young or old the people around you are always listening and most of the time absorbing in your words and your actions. What kind of influence are you leaving on them?

Second Chances........should you get any?

2006-08-25T21:20:00.000-04:00

Category: Romance and Relationships

There is always this thin line between love and hate they say and I believe it to be true. In the last year and a half I have had to make some decisions in my relationship and in the relationship with friends about whether once you cross a KNOWN line with my thoughts and heart if I should give you a second chance to prove you aren't the low down, stupid, childish, no good person I was provoked to think bad about at a point in time. My best friend Jessica told me at the beginning of this year that she heard a sermon in church talking about second chances and how we basically shouldn't just turn our shoulder away from someone who has wronged us in the past but to give a second chance. I believe her sharing that with me when she did was important in my life because I was struggling to FORGIVE and FORGET someone that had done me wrong and others very close to me wrong. I've even found myself with a man that I love with ALL of my heart that I couldn't stand last year because of some hurtful events that took place that broke the wonderful bond we had before. There are always decisions of giving second chances, but BOY ITS HARD! I've had to do that a lot in the last year and a half and I tell ya if it weren't for God giving me a second chance every day of my life I wouldn't even think twice about giving that person that hurt me another chance. Its way too easy to just say stay out of my life and pretend like they never existed.
The question though is should you always feel obligated to give second chances? If someone cheats on you with one of your friends, do you give them a second chance with a relationship and do you give that friend a second chance with frienship? If someone goes behind your back and sleeps with one of your ex's that they know would offend you, do you give them a second chance at frienship? If someone gets mad at you for something you don't even realize you did and just completely disassociates themself from your wonderful friendship, do you give them a second chance with frienship? The list can go on and on and on but where do we as adults no where to find the answers to the above? I'm still trying to figure it out myself.

Inner strength and why it gets so hard to keep it up.

2006-08-21T21:20:00.000-04:00

Category: Life

I'm sitting here listening to one of my favorites, Louis Armstrong, and he has such a calming style of music and as he's singing "what a wonderful world" its like everything in my life right now is just wonderful. Then the song goes off and I realize it to be different. It seems like it gets harder and harder to be hard and strong these days. Is it because I'm getting older or is it becaue I've lost site of my own inner strength to overcome obstacles in my life. I sometimes find myself trying to help others with their obstacles so that I don't have to worry about my own but they eventually catch up. Is it therefore a choice to be weaker by laziness or is it a choice to be weaker because of giving up? I don't know but there has got to be a way to restore the strength I once had and that I hope I am capable of having once again. Thank God for the people in my life that keep me together in mind, body, and soul because some people don't have anybody. I can't imagine.

The background of one can explain so much

2006-07-17T21:21:00.000-04:00

I learned something this weekend. You can have friends that are deeply troubled in different areas in there life. Yeah I know most people do know this about their friends. But do you ever sit back and really try to find out why one is crying, lashing out in anger, or even quiet. I got to a point this weekend that I just wanted to physically cry, hearing from some people about things that happened in their past that makes them who they are today. Whether it is making them scared of a certain type of person or if it gives them trust issues or has them afraid to love. Whatever it may be. My heart cried this weekend because sometimes the people you love have some very difficult situations that they have dealt with in life or are still dealing with to this day even as adults. They may not feel like they can tell anybody because those things that burden them are so ridiculously horrifying.My heart cried and my mind wonders about why the only thing that I can really feel I can do to help that person is to listen. Maybe give advice about a situation I may know nothing about in hopes that it may help ease the mind of another. To give them a BIG hug and let them know my shoulder is here for comfort, my ear is hear to listen, and my heart is here to love them. I realized how fortunate I was once again.

Friends and how are they a conflict of interest?

2006-07-05T21:22:00.000-04:00

Category: Friends

In the line of life you will make friends and you will lose touch with friends. I have met many wonderful people through some of my really good friends and being the person I am have developed wonderful friendships with those people. The problem I run into is when you have friends that end up beefing. You then are trying not to be torn between the two as you get both sides of the puzzle and also trying not to take sides with either. Now if someone asks or somebody seems to fall out of line and they ask me for my opinion I will tell them what I think but I have always tried to make it a point that if someone in the group of friends is mad, to not just decide to be mad right along with them. Especially if the situation technically has nothing to do with me. I want to be there to comfort both sides if necessary but don't want to look as though I am being a traitor because I am choosing to be an adult and maintaining the friendship that I have invested in emotionally with both friends.I often get to a point where I have to say I don't want to know because the more false or accurate information you obtain from both sides you will naturally get your feelings and opinions flowing against one of your friends if not both. The point of this is I don't understand why some people expect you to dismiss one friend because they are beefing with them. That is yo biz so that means you need to handle it not me. I am simply here to be a shoulder, maybe some advice, and a good friend to you in the time of need not your alliance in the midst of war between you as my friend and my other friend.

A lesson learned from a different perspective.

2006-06-08T21:23:00.000-04:00

Category: Life

There is usually a lesson learned from another's perspective of a situation. The messed up thing is usually the lesson learned isn't always the kindest. You will never really know what people think about something you might say or do. I try to keep in mind that my words or actions could be offensive to another but as we all sometimes go on just a whim of thought. Our judgment is impaired not thinkin' of somebody else's perspective. I'm tryin' to learn that assumptions don't get you anywhere most of the time. In the words of the Great Stingy when you assume most of the time both parties look like an ass. So true. What is the point of this thought you may ask. Just remember what you say and what you do can be offensive to another and can make them react in a angry manor before seein' your outlook on the situation. Then you may react in an inappropriate manor because when somebody comes at you so negative its hard to just brush that off and learn. Retaliation is not always the anwer.

When you don't think anyone can relate.

2006-06-04T21:23:00.000-04:00

Category: Friends

Just when you don't think anybody else in your life can relate to a certain situation in your life........your proven wrong. That is why I love my friends! When it comes to finances, kids, boyfriends, family, or anything for that matter if you take the time to really sit down and converse with your FOR REAL homies you will find out your situation may be the same thing they're goin' through. Then you find out your unfortunate situation became a little easier because you had your friend to relate with and get their insight on how they are dealin' with it. Its like you just knew you were on the same page of the same book in that time in your life.

How many sorries does it take for you to get sense?!?!?

2006-05-12T21:23:00.000-04:00

Category: Romance and Relationships

So the question I have is how many times do you let someone tell you sorry for the SAME freakin' thing??? I need to know because my kind and loving judgment is impaired. I mean if you REALLY love someone with your WHOLE being isn't that person so important to you that you don't need to look elsewhere? Is my love not sufficient enough for you to feel sexy, hansom, loved, and safe with me that you don't need the comfort of another female to make you feel nice about yourself and give you the CHILDISH ATTENTION your lookin' for? Is it not enough for the love of your life to say I don't appreciate that or think those actions are appropriate when your with me, please don't do it again? I mean if you want to be free and date go do it but when you are in a COMMITED relationship you don't look at other females like that anymore, you don't talk to girls like your tryin' to get at that for a night, you don't keep disrespectin' the person that thinks of you with every step they take. You can't have a one sided successful love relationship. THEY DON'T WORK! Despite what the worlds definition of a "commited relationship" is today. I always look at my father and think man I want a man that is like my Dad. He would NEVER talk inappropriately to another woman. He is only thinkin' about his WIFE whom he LOVES. That is what I deserve. RESPECT AT THE HIGHEST and nothing less!

Priveleges......you should be so grateful.

2006-05-11T21:24:00.000-04:00

Category: Life

In life we are given priveleges......when those priveleges are taken away we tend to get angry without realizing that we should have been more freakin' grateful for what someone else has allowed us to do with their things, car, or phone. What people tend to forget is if I ALLOW you to use something of mine I EXPECT you to take care of whatever it is with the utmost caution so that when I get it back it is exactly as I had given it to you when you used it. Moral of the story is don't freakin' get mad because you messed up your PRIVELEGE to use something of mine! Take time to find out if there is a way to earn back the trust and maybe I will grant you the privelege to use it again. MAYBE.

The definition of medlin' or bein' nosey.

2006-04-06T21:24:00.000-04:00

Category: Life

This is a lesson for all you confused MOFO's when it comes to people bein' nosey or medlin':
I often hear people tell me I'm nosey or I medle a lot. Well heck yeah I do! My ears are always open to everyone's conversation how do you think mofo's like me stay so daggon informed. With people like me often comes paranoya when it comes to your significant other. My point is if mofo's didn't leave things for us to find that would OBVIOUSLY piss a normal person off or jeapordize the special investment of a relationship you work so hard to build.....they would never know people like me medled as much as we do. You only know when I medle if I find something disturbing thats gon' make me say some freakin' thing bout it. PLEASE BELIEVE IT. The lesson to learn from this is don't be doin' things triflin' STOP BEIN' CHILDISH AND GROW UP! and you won't have nobody in yo business. You got to earn the right to not have yo stuff medled in!

What are friends???????

2006-02-15T21:25:00.000-05:00

Category: Friends

I have found out that in the 23 years I've been living and escpecially in this last 2 years that you have got to watch your back with your friends. Isn't that horrible these days that even the ones you think you know the best can be some of the ones that do the shittiest things to you. Hits the heart HARD. I just wanted to say watch who you trust and those that you do trust......can you really trust em????