Life is like a pool game.........

I'm told too many times by men that I'm "complicated", "difficult", "too complex", or the funniest to me is "Ms. Theory". My rebuttal is that my complexity and my depth are beautiful, and it's a compliment. It pays to look at all the angles of a situation, kinda like a game of pool (I used this analogy last night with a feller).....you gotta look at all the angles to figure out which pocket is the best hit......'cause if you've looked at all angles, you'll rarely run into surprises, 'cause even if you happen to miss, you've already thought and considered the angle that actually came about, and there's no room for true disappointment........just a slight change in ya plan. I call all these definitions of others, the elements that make ME. Just don't call me "difficult" 'cause you can't keep up with my deep mind exercise......150TPM (thoughts per minute).

My birthday....

Well Cinco de Mayo has now come and gone and I'm now officially 28. The time goes so insanely fast it's almost ridiculous when I start to think about it anymore. I had a wonderful birthday with people that I love and cherish, and events prior to and after that made it all the more special. I really wondered how it was going to turn out this year, as I've becomeq uite distant and hermit like over the past 6 months or so, but I was pleasantly surprised. It's so warm when you realize you haven't been forgotten. Thank you all for your sweet and kind words and thoughts. They sincerely meant the world to me!

Friendship Contingencies....

So I've come across a situation in my life between a dear friend and myself. It's almost hard to summarize into words the whole situation, but here it goes. Friend was dating a dude (we'll call him "Feller") and grew fond of feller and developed feelings, etc., whom she's known longer than myself. Through dating Feller, I have also grown to know Feller through us all hanging out together, etc. Friend decides one day that she doesn't want me to communicate in ANY form or fashion with Feller for her own reasons. Keep in mind that I've also become associated/friends with some of Feller's friends through the course of about a year, and actually knew one of Feller's friends back before I even knew my Friend. So there is already rapport with one gentleman out of the Feller's click, that I have had prior to me and Friend's friendship. The reasons behind Friend not wanting any communication between me and feller, I do not understand nor agree with. Realizing that me and Friend are alike in so many ways, but are also very different in the way we think in regards to a lot of things as well, I'm keeping this in consideration. Friend is now retracting to another guy (we'll call him "Option A") and is basically with Option A. Friend is still requesting even though months have now passed that I not have ANY communication with Feller still. Also, keep in mind that we still communicate and hang with Feller's click, whom he usually is a part of. This especially confuses me because Friend doesn't really even communicate with Feller anymore because of the situation she has with Option A. The problem I have is Friend has now kind of put a contingency on our friendship that if communication persists between Feller and myself that she doesn't know how much she'll be around and that it makes her very angry. Also keep in mind that me and Feller NEVER hang out one on one, it is always a group of Feller and friends and usually another friend of mine (whom she doesn't want talking to Feller either). I told Friend in argument that her contingency isn't fair and I've also expressed that I feel like her request (more of a demand) makes me feel like she doesn't trust me. That is the ONLY logical reason I can see behind her not wanting two of her closest friends to basically ignore and dismiss Feller from our lives. I've been at a tug of war with this one because I truly do cherish my Friend's opinions, but when you tell me that you want me to in essence erase someone from my life, I don't 1) understand the thinking behind it; and 2) feel that it is unfair that you make me decide between my friendship with you or Feller. Understanding that the friendship between me and Feller is definitely not as close as the friendship between her and I, but whether she wants to recognize it or not, there is still a friendship that has developed over the past year. There is also a double standard as to the situation because Friend doesn't give one care in the world if we communicate with Option A. My opinion is that she knows I personally wouldn't fo real hang or communicate with Option A as a friend so it doesn't bother her if I have his phone number and communicate with him because she knows that I don't care to anyways. This is what I feel confirms that she doesn't have trust in me because that is a double standard. Why does this contingency only exist pertaining to Feller? I've talked to a few close friends of mine regarding this scenario that I knew wouldn't have a bias opinion and not a single one of 'em agreed that her contingency and demand was fair or reasonable. I'm at a crossroad in regards to what to feel, think, or do. All of this actually just pisses me off because I've never had any friend tell me who I can or can't talk to. I've never even allowed any boyfriend of mine to dictate who can and can't be in my life, so why would I allow anyone else, including friends, to tell me who I can and can't have in my life??? This is where I'm struggling with this. I would never step on this Friend's toes, so to speak, and it makes me even angrier that she would demand such a thing of me. She knows me VERY well and knows I'm not one to just dismiss anybody out of my life, unless there is good and sufficient reason that I find between me and a person not to allow them to be in my present or future. I've never let someone dictate that of me before and I never planned in my lifetime to allow someone to dictate that. I don't want something like this to come between this Friend and myself because I love her dearly, but at the same time, I don't know how you can call yourself a true friend of mine if you are telling me who and who I can't speak to. It doesn't matter to me how I met this person, how long I've known this person, or how close I am to this person. I don't believe any one friend should make you choose between friendships. I don't believe that any one friend should make you put each friendship on a scale and choose the friendship that's got more invested in it (which would weigh more in essence). And I sure as hell don't get how any friend can say she loves me but puts a contingency like this on the friendship which to me seems like she has NO trust in me at all. I'm truly at a loss as to what to do because one part of me wants to shun her demand because I feel it to be completely unfair and quite frankly stupid, but the other part of me doesn't want the friendship between she and I to dwindle away or for her to feel disrespected by me either. Well there it is........the summarized version........what to do what to do. Your two pennies on this would be much appreciated because I truly don't know what I'm supposed to feel, but all this makes me feel angry, frustrated, confused, rebellious, sad, puzzled, and most of all questioned.

Dear Love and Desire (Part II)....

Dear Love and Desire,

I come to you again because I've become more and more confused since last Fall. I thought I had turned over a leaf and it appears that this leaf wasn't ready to be turned over despite my intentions. It's so hard to tell your heart to let someone go when your heart insists, that the person that has the key is still very much a part of your life. I've tried the "just friends" thing but I have a hard time believing that is possible when there are obvious feelings and emotions in it, whether both people want to speak on them or not. I have a hard time believing he and I are capable of having a strictly platonic friendship based on the feelings that do exist. There's way too much emotion invested in it. Why is it so hard to let go of this person in my life when he doesn't even like to admit or bring to light his true feelings for me? Why is it so hard to let go when he would rather disappear and become distant than to face me too often. Almost feels like he can't handle the truth of my heart either. I truly feel that he does in fact feel for me more deeply than I think he would even like to admit to himself, and I know that it is insanely hard for him to express the way he feels, but I sincerely don't believe I'm in denial about the way he feels. Do I let his hesitancy just be the end of it? Does he indeed feel for me the way I feel for him? Why is it so hard for me to come to reality with actions even though I feel the unspoken emotions are telling a completely different story? How do you tell your heart not to love? How do you tell your heart to let go? How do you convince your heart that even though you've not felt this way about someone in SO long and never in this way, that you need to let go? I hesitate when silence is in the room we both sit in to speak on the depth of my feelings for him. Maybe I hesitate because I'm scared my depth sincerely isn't the same depth he has for me, and then it would become rejection. I so much just want to say it, but I hesitate because I to am scared to give all my love, but maybe I need to say it so all truth or the "shadowed truth" can be revealed because if I'm not in his heart the way he is in mine, than I need to know. I need to move on and I need to let go. Please give me the courage to say it. Please give me the courage to be submissive to the spoken truth, whether it coincides with my heart or not.

Love,
ME

Price of Friendships

Life is full of ups and downs. People come and people go. Trials and tribulations come about as often as a resolution or blessing does. Two of the most solid and stable things I find in my life are family and friends. I'm blessed beyond words to have both and I can't picture my life without either, nor do I ever want to. I know I don't always make the best decisions in life and I'm aware of that. I do like to believe that whatever decisions I DO make that my friends and family are here for me. I know every decision I make will not be acceptable and maybe not even tolerable in their minds but the one's that truly support me regardless of those decisions are the one's that are the true people in my life that I am blessed to have. I don't agree with every decision that all my friends and/or family make, but despite how I feel about those particular decisions I decide to BE THERE. I will ALWAYS let them know my two pennies regarding their decisions because I feel it is my duty as a loving/caring friend to give them my perspective on the situation and let them know that I care. Most times the two pennies you put out there aren't received happily or even wholeheartedly by the friend/family, but at least I speak my mind........at least they know I'm not just an outsider in their life standing by to watch them mess up so I can say "I told you so". I want to see them ALL succeed and to do it happily. I expect the same treatment when it comes to my decisions. I value my friends/family opinions and I am happy to know they care about me enough to speak on something whether good or bad even if I don't necessarily like what they may have to say about it. I'd also like to believe that I don't see myself EVER discarding one of them because of a decision that they have chosen to make that I do not agree with. Who am I to judge with the amount of poor decision making that I've had in my past and probably future? Moral of this blog is to remember those people dear to you and remember that even though they may be making or have made decisions that you may abhor, that they've probably been there for you through some of your not so great decisions as well. How much do you value your friendships and are they so easily discarded by a bad decision?