Enlightened by sweetness

So I've been blessed to meet this gentleman in the past few weeks and everything about the progression and situation is enlightening, refreshing, hope filled, and just plain lovely. He exudes confidence, sweetness, gentleman characteristics, a loving spirit, and so many other wonderful attributes. He "gets me" and relates to my ways of thinking on SO many levels it's almost unreal. Though I'm typically skeptical........I feel a great potential between he and I........sounds crazy to me at times but he's inspired hope that there really are still good men out there and here he is on my door step. To be able to sit and converse on so many levels and ACTUALLY relate is a beautiful and rare thing it seems, but everything about just that fact right there makes me happy. He never ceases to make me smile. I'm allowing myself to open up to him more because he brings forth a level of comfort that is somewhat unfamiliar but easy to do. For once I feel like the word "relationship" is not so scary now......like it's possible that a "relationship" could be all the things it should be rather than thoughts that it could be......scary and/or overwhelming. So I'm going to continue on this path and see where this may go.

Remember to love YOU.

It's amazing to me the CRAP that people tolerate in a relationship! Granted I've surely had my days where I have put up with some CRAP that I didn't need or want, but I've learned from that CRAP and I'm a better woman for it. In regards to whether or not I deserved the CRAP or not is a different subject. People will often tell you that you deserve better, and in 95% of cases I believe the same, BUT if you don't truly believe that and you are in a relationship and you continue to tolerate CRAP from your significant other even though time and time again they prove to you that they aren't going to change for you or anybody else then I almost believe if you stick with it and accept that from them, then you DO deserve what you are allowing your significant other to put you through. I know everybody won't agree with this nor do I care, but to me if you KEEP allowing someone to walk all over you, cheat on you, talk bad to you, put their hands on you inappropriately, etc. can you honestly say that YOU care about YOURSELF??? If we truly cared about ourselves then we wouldn't allow "bad" people to repeatedly do bad things to us. Gettin' mad and arguing about it is a waste of your time.......the paranoid feeling you get from the lack of trust that person has caused you is a waste of your time......that gut feeling you have when you see this and that and it leaves you with a nauseated feeling in the pit of your stomach is a waste of your time. Goin' through your significant others phone and e-mails to "catch" he/she is a waste of your time. If you really have gotten to THAT point with your significant other that you feel like you have to invade their privacy to "catch" them in an act of cheating, then your relationship is over anyways.......the likelyhood of you EVER trusting that person who has done you wrong is about zero. I'm one of the worst at workin' at something until I'm blue in the face, but dealing with those situations has made me realize the most important thing that I lost sight of...........ME. If someone is causing you emotional, mental, or physical harm, why stay? Do you really see yourself being with that person who causes this same CRAP over and over again for another 40-50 years??? Do you really think after all this time that he/she is goin' to step up to the plate and GROW THE HELL UP??? The likelyhood of that is slim to none I've found in my experiences until they are gosh darn ready to do so.........IF ever. Do yourself a favor and remember what should be your #1 priority...........YOU. You can love that "bad" person from a distance, but if you continue to love that person up close and personal and allow them to keep draggin' you through unhappiness and misery then you've lost sight of YOU and what you truly deserve.........HAPPINESS, SUCCESS, and GENUINE LOVE. Remember to love YOU always!

Back to reality.....bye bye Florida

So I got back from vacation in beautiful Cape Canaveral, Cocoa Beach, and Orlando, FL yesternight. Me, Raindrop, and Cuz Cuz set out on the 14 hour long drive on Friday, June 12 and came back on Saturday, June 20. It was a LONG vacation and it was awesome! It was almost too long though because none of us wanted to leave. Like if I didn't have a kiddo and we all didn't have financial responsibilities, and things of that nature, I believe we would have all just said screw it and made Florida our new residence. lol Seriously though I would consider a move to beautiful Florida seriously........I really loved it and though I've been before I never really was like "I could move here" type stuff.........I really felt it this time. I believe I'm destined to live on the South Eastern coast somewhere eventually anyways so what better of a place then Florida. lol Me and the gals are definitely plannin' on makin' this an annual trip for those of us that don't move down there before then. lol We had our fun, relaxation, and sun bathing and I'm ready to go back.

Plus on a MAKE ME SMILE BIG note.........I met this wonderful man down there named Will and golly it is totally funny how things work out. We ended up meeting at this one spot and the timing was just right. He is incredibly sweet........he is a total gentleman in every sense of the definition..........he's gorgeous.......and compatibility is not even in question at the moment........I'm missin' him already. We actually got to spend a lot of time together while I was down there so I look forward to our next visit soon. Wouldn't that be funny if I met the man of my dreams in Florida. I'm not at all opposing to the idea but we'll see what God has to say about that one. Till then I'mma keep smilin' and go with the flow as I usually do.

I believe once I get into work tomorrow I will find reality sitting on my desk looking at me. lol So back to reality I am, and looking forward to the next get away from here trip. I believe ATL will be getting a visit next month for a weekend at least.

The confusion of feelings

So maybe I wear my heart and emotions on my sleeve.........so I'm told.........how do I refrain from doing so? Does that result in creating the notion that I'm meant to be put through MORE trials and tribulations than the average person? This past two weeks have been filled with so much unwanted stress, drama, and uneasy emotions.

When people say kindness can be seen as a sign of weakness...........I think my kindness is a MAJOR weakness for me. How horrible is that to say.........it's messed up I know. I try to be so considerate of another's feelings and in turn I am usually the one having to face unacceptable behaviour coming from the other person. Even with all the walls I have up, people still find a way to try and knock me down. My strength is tested and tested and tested on a regular basis. Can you people just choose to test my strength every blue moon rather than so daggon often. I am a STRONG woman! You will NOT BREAK ME!

I'm still at a loss in regards to a situation in my life, and quite honestly I am not havin' the easiest time understanding the facts being placed in my path of thoughts. It's like they're being thrown at me at a speed of 100 MPH........causing me to have no time to prepare myself for the impact. Because this person is confused about thoughts and feelings, I have to suffer. My feelings will not come second to anyone else's in this situation........it's just NOT RIGHT! What kind of bullish is that anyways?! I KNOW I don't deserve this kind of foolishness, so until you decide to get it together and figure out what the heck you are REALLY feeling...........leave me be please.

You would think with all the experience I have in heartache and messed up situations that I would have mastered the control over the uneasy emotions that are a direct result of these situations. I know I'm supposed to grow with each chapter in my life, but I often feel like I'm having to learn over and over again the same lessons. I KNOW I'm learning from the past situations that make me act and feel the way I do, but why does my book of life have so many similar chapters? Even when I analyze and evaluate the heck out of someone or something in my life, someone still seems to find a way to hit me with an uncomfortable surprise out of left field.

I often times tell other people to just "brush it off" and remember to smile. Most definitely easier said than done.

Why I don't watch the news

I go through my phases of watchin' the local news...........mainly for sports and weather, but I'll tell you why. It seems like every time I pick up the routine of watching it in my daily life, it just makes me sad or angry. I mean seriously.........it feels like about 95% of what is reported is HORRIBLE. Either somebody is gettin' shot, blown up, robbed, murdered, actin' stupid, gettin' laid off, battering their spouse or kid(s), teachers havin' affairs with their student(s), kids carryin' guns and knives to school, vehicles crashing, or SOMETHIN' horrible and/or terrifying. Now why the heck do I want to spend 30 minutes to an hour of my precious life watching unfortunate and horrible news..........guess what I DON'T. Though sometimes somebody will be talkin' about a not so horrible thing and I'll be like "what are you talkin' about?" and they'll say, "don't you watch the news?" and I'll say, "no, I stopped watchin' it because it's always horrible news" and they'll be like "oh". I'm not the only one that notices this pattern of negativity. Now I realize the world is on a downward hill spiral into negativity over the years, but is it really THAT bad that these reporters find 95% more bad than good things to report? Is it possible that there are more positive things taking place around here and the reporters only report the dirt because maybe it makes the ratings go up? Is it possible that there is really not that much good going on and we're just doomed to hear more and more bad things as the years progress? I realize being informed is a good thing, but I feel like every time I watch the news it is a rerun technically because I've seen this crap before but it's just with different people in it this time. It's horrible that the reruns don't come as a surprise anymore. I remember when I was younger and I would watch the news and would literally have my hand over my mouth in shock to hear some of the things that would be reported on the news, but now it's like I've heard it all before.........like it's totally expected. I'm just sick of hearing and watching the bad news. If I want to watch bad crap like that I'll go to the theatre or rent a movie to watch something that I know at the end of it isn't reality..........I'll be comforted that it was just a made up story.........not reminded that the reality around me is HORRIBLE and mostly TERRIFYING. What kind of news are you making in your daily life?

The way he makes me feel.

The way he makes me feel is so hard to capture with words, but I shall briefly paint a picture to help you understand. When he enters the room his presence leaves a beautiful feeling in my soul. The tone of his voice soothes me each time he speaks. The way he stares into my eyes when we converse. The way his soft skin feels with each touch. The goosebumps I get as his breath caress' my skin when he's close to me with each breath he takes. The way his natural fragrance makes my senses go wild. He holds me tight with his strong arms and body and leaves me feeling the most secure and comforted each time we're together. The way he sends a tingle through my body when he kisses my forehead in such an endearing way. The way he gently caress' my soft skin with his strong hands keeps me yearning for more. The way he knows each and every crevice of my body like it was meant to be his forever. The way he breathes with calm relief as I caress his body gently with my soft hands. The way I feel so relaxed when stroking and massaging his head with my fingertips. The way he holds me when intimacy is in the air. The way his soft lips feel up against my soft lips........like I could kiss him all day long. This is just a brief description of the way he makes me feel because no words are capable of fully describing this feeling.

Don't hate the messenger!

First off let me start off by saying that if you don't do triflin' things then people wouldn't have a reason to be suspicious about you and/or make stories up about you that it is possible other people COULD believe...........refer back to my "what are you notorious for?" blog for further clarification. Secondly, it baffles me that certain people always feel the need to get mad at the messenger.......hate the messenger.......call the messenger a "hater"........when their DIRTY business gets put out on front street.......when their lies are unveiled.......when their poor decisions affect the people they SUPPOSEDLY care about. I've said time and time again that the grape vine is in constant motion. Staying OUT of the grape vine is about an impossible task. It's the things that you do that go into the grape vine.........negative or positive......but it is the negative that typically moves through the grape vine quicker. The more people you know the more grape vine ya get. If I hear some horrible information or news that has to do with you doin' a FRIEND OF MINE dirty......then I'mma be the first to absorb the information.......take careful notes......question my source(s).........question the information, and if it sounds in or out of character of the offender. If I feel it SEEMS to be valid based on that process of thinking then yeah I'm gonna tell my friend. I don't LIKE to be provided with horrible information about something that could affect my friend(s). Often times I can't stand it actually because then I've got to go through this thought process........when and how I'm gonna tell my friend.......and yes.......I'm gonna tell my friend, as I would expect he or she to do the same for me if the roles were reversed. Who am I to deny my friend information that could possibly have an adverse effect on their life? I know the number one question I always get is "who told you?" and the number one thing people hate to hear from me when I provide information is "I don't reveal my sources." I don't reveal my sources because I check my sources and it doesn't matter who the information comes from in my opinion.........if you did the dirt.......YOU DID THE DIRT......it then becomes your fault that you had a leak in your pool and your dirt is now out for those to hear about. Do you people honestly think that I like to hear messed up crap that you are doin' to my friend? Would you hold it in if it was YOUR friend? DOUBT IT! I hate that their is even the possibility of people doin' my friend(s) wrong but it is what it is. I'm a REAL FRIEND so EXPECT if I hear some jacked up stuff you've done and I feel it's valid then I'm gonna be a "hater" and I'm gonna disclose "it could or could not be valid information, but I thought you should know" after every time........it is then my friends turn to do as they please with the situation/information. I DON'T BENEFIT from hearing your dirty business! It is actually a burden to me because I have to face my friend(s) to tell them crappy news that more than likely is gonna hurt them in some way. So you can call me a "hater" ALL DAY LONG if it makes YOU feel better about your dirty business, but know that I don't benefit from it, I don't like it, and I don't do it for selfish reasons......I do it to protect the people I care about and love and that's it. You can't hate the messenger for hearing the information! You either hate yourself for doing the dirty business OR you hate the person that fabricated the story that made it into the grape vine for me to hear because I sure as hell am not the one fabricatin' stories just so I can hate on you.......be real......I have much more important things to do and problems of my own to deal with. GROW UP!!!!!!!!!! For the record.......I commend and appreciate those unselfish and genuine messengers that relay information to protect ones they care about and love. PROPS TO THE LEGITIMATE "HATERS"!

Hard feeling safe in my home now.....

So on Friday night I went about having a normal night as I usually do. While I was away from my home, leaving it locked and secured as usual, it was broken into. The individual(s) who broke in attempted to come in through a window but being unsuccessful, because of it being securely locked, they decided to use excessive force and kick through my front door that had both a deadbolt lock and lock on the knob. When I got home around 4:45 AM I walked in the house as usual and once I walked into my livingroom......my heart fell to the floor and I was instantly hit with shock and fear of the realization that my home, which to me is my safe haven, had been invaded by someone..........my privacy and security compromised. Once fear had been forced on me I proceeded to the kitchen and grabbed the sharpest and biggest knife I owned and called a friend to stay on the phone with me as I walked around shaking trying to make sure the perpetrator was not still in my home. As I'm walking around scared out of my mind, I observe that the individual(s) proceeded to go through my personal items throughout my home. Still unsure of what they were looking for exactly because after thorough checking I found that out of all the valuable items they could have taken, all they stole were a few FAKE rings out of my jewelry box. I called for a police officer to come out and check the house and I made a report of my findings. The officer informed me that a burglary had also been committed at another home that same night just one street over from mine. After the officer came and went I was still filled with so much fear. I slept gripping that knife in my hand as I tried to sleep that night. I have since slept with that knife close enough to me just in case. I cannot explain in words how scared I was and still am........it's horrifying to think that even though I prepare my home to be as secure as possible, that my safety, security, and privacy can still be violated. It is a horrible feeling........almost makes you feel like no matter what you do to secure your safe haven that a thief will make his way into your home somehow if he or she so decides. I have slept in fear since then and I can only pray that it doesn't happen again. I was thankful that the perpetrator only stole the few things of no value, and that me and my son were not home at the time it happened. I'm calling this week about getting an alarm system placed in my home in hopes that it will further secure my safe haven and keep future situations from arising.

Have to OR Choose to?

I don't want or deserve a man that feels he HAS to do everything in his power to make me happy, but a man that wants to CHOOSE to do everything in his power to make me happy. Know this........I refuse to settle for anything less than a MAN that chooses.

What are you notorious for?

Question of the day: What are you notorious for? What are things in your life that people around you can always seem to predict you will end up doing because you have made yourself known for it? Are the things you are notorious for doing, good or bad? Most all of us are notorious for at least one thing. I ended up finding out some unfortunate information about two "friends" of mine of something done behind my back. As I was naturally pissed off about it........the unfortunate thing is that even though it was most definitely triflin' ......I didn't put it past one of them based on what I had heard one of the "friends" was notorious for doing and the vibe I felt in general. After I spoke my peace about the situation to both of them I decided to take a look at myself in regards to what I'm notorious for doing and I must say I think, generally speakin', I am not notorious for bad things and hope nobody feels that I am. I know that nobody is perfect but if you are notorious for doin' bad things to people that you "care about" and feel the need to claim "nobody's perfect" each time you wrong somebody, then you may want to take a look at yourself inside because even though I agree that nobody's perfect, I don't ever want to repeatedly hurt people that I care about and love and always feel like I can play the "nobody's perfect" card because you can only wrong someone in the same way so many times before they just stop believin' in you and trustin' that you won't continue doin' them wrong. Moral of this blog is take a look at yourself and REALLY think about it and try to figure out what you are notorious for, and ask yourself ......are the thing(s) you are notorious for tend to hurt others around you? If you are notorious for hurting the ones you "love" or "care" about in whatever way it may be, don't you think that changing that bad habit would be beneficial to you and the relationships/friendships in your life?

To forgive........

Forgive is a verb defined as ceasing to hold resentment against one.............TO FORGIVE. Forgiveness is a noun defined as the act of forgiving.............OFFERING MY FORGIVENESS. Forgiving is an adjective defined as allowing room for error or weakness and/or willing or able to forgive........THE FORGIVING HEART. To forgive is so POWERFUL, but can only be done by way of the genuine, forgiving heart. You can't halfway forgive someone..........you can't temporarily forgive someone...........you can't pretend like you have forgiven someone........you can't move forward from things of the past without a forgiving heart and a readiness to offer forgiveness to those who have hurt you, no matter how deep the pain. It is most definitely easier to hold a grudge against someone then it is to forgive someone. As I mature more and more each day I realize the true significance of forgiving someone that has wronged me. I have had to come to terms with a lot of hurtful situations in my life and forgiving those who imposed the pain in my heart is NOT an easy task. In fact to truly forgive someone is one of the hardest things I have encountered and had to do in my life. I believe that people harbor pain and reject the thought of forgiveness because they feel once you forgive someone that you have to then bounce back and continue on the venture with that person. I personally don't believe that you have to maintain any kind of friendship/relationship/association after you truly forgive a person that has wronged you. There are people in my past that I had to forgive that probably didn't even know I was holding a grudge years later, and even though I feel they should have KNOWN by their actions why I held a grudge and why it was insanely hard for me to come to that place to forgive them..........it was necessary for me to grow that much more and bury that pain of the past. I was only allowing a burden to sit heavy on my chest by harboring that pain and not choosing to forgive the offender. I don't need any unnecessary burdens through this long journey of life. And maybe you don't believe that person that has wronged you deserves forgiveness from you, but be real...........nobody is perfect and the more ready you are to forgive, the more ready the person or people in your past and future will be ready to forgive you for any pain you may cause or have already caused. I still do not believe we as humans have the ability mentally or emotionally to forget, once we have forgiven the offender, but if you can come to the place to forgive those who have hurt you.........you will feel the release of the weight of a burden off your chest that will be so rejuvenating..................it will cause you to become that much more of a woman or man because you truly have to STEP UP to forgive. So remember..........You can't expect forgiveness if you are never willing to forgive yourself and/or others around you.

Stone Cold Heart

You tell me that you have a stone cold heart......do you not realize that if you don't eventually open it up that you might miss out on your perfect part? I'm not saying that God intended me to be your perfect part BUT how could you ever know? I think you failed to remember that when we first met that I to had a stone cold heart as well........I to had been through entirely too much pain of "love" struggles just as yourself and was so scared to really allow you into my life in that way........was unfortunate but refreshing that you could relate to me in regards to matters of the broken and protected heart. As time passed the chemistry we had was so overwhelming but priceless to me.......I kept asking myself could he be the one? Did God place him in my life because he's the missing piece of my puzzle? My skepticism kept me from really believing that you could really ever give into me and sincerely care for me and not hurt me like all the others, but my mind and heart made me take a chance on you and allow myself to be vulnerable to the possibility and potential for a true love. You truly made me happy........I've never had so many butterflies in my stomach throughout. I gave into my emotions eventually and opened my heart to you and for what? Can you honestly sit there and tell me that you never felt for me.........that your heart was so stone cold that you never saw anything between you and I.........that after all this time, you invested NO emotions or feelings into me..........were my feelings for you a waste of more of my precious and already broken heart??? You say that you were starting to see me as just a FRIEND........did you really not notice that I wasn't feeling that same way......that hadn't even crossed my mind once that it would ever turn into JUST a friendship......I don't treat and act with "friends" as I always have with you and I would hope that you don't act with just "friends" as you did with me. Time and time again I let you know how I genuinely felt.......you should have told me. I don't believe you recognize the depth of emotions I had for you. And yes if you would have told me three or four months ago that you weren't feelin' it then it still would have hurt me but gosh I honestly have put up a wall to so many other potentials because of what I saw in us. You were worth the wait to me......I was being more patient with you in hopes that you to would recognize that we had mad chemistry on so many levels.........how could there not be a chance that two broken hearts came together and handled each other with delicacy and care. I'm so upset and I was tryin' to talk myself into angry mode to cover up the pain that I am feeling right now but to be honest I sincerely feel broken and cannot fight off these tears........I'm sad beyond words........I feel like another love story in my life had begun and now will become just another unfinished chapter in my life.......another disappointment........another reason why maybe I should stay away from any potential romance because this hurts too much to keep doin' it. Maybe I should go back to my stone cold heart.......back to remembering anytime romance between me and any man sparks that I should put it out with ice built up around my heart to keep me from these situations. Why am I so blind? I'm more upset with myself that I whole heartedly cared for you and sincerely thought that it wasn't just a one sided feeling. I know ultimately it is in God's hands and though tears are falling down my face, I believe that He will find someone to recognize the beautiful love that I have to offer. It just crushes me that it wasn't you.